Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 30, 2008

Scoop! Stop the Press! This is How We’re Jewish – The Real Version

A genuine copy before being censored by the ADL Public Affairs Committee.

We are the Jewish people. We are the salt of the earth and the pepper on the pizza.

In spite of Gaza, and in spite of the fact that we are seen as Nazis and child murderers, we love to be Jewish. We are proud to be Jewish.

This is how we’re Jewish. And the rest of you are pooish.

Watch on
Watch on YouTube

United against the goyim!

December 29, 2008

Hold Your Fire, What About Shalit?

Oy, I’m so unhappy with this Israeli operation in Gaza.

You want to kill arabs, shoin, you want to smite their kids and elders, shoin. But what about our innocent Jewish soldat, Gilad’le Shalit? He is as pure as driven snow.

Don’t they remember in the IDF that one angelic Jewish soul is worth thousands of islamofacist meshugenehs?

Auntie Ziona calls on the IDF to stop the blitzkrieg immediately. First we have to rescue Shalit, who is reported to be wounded. Then you have the green light from me to flatten all these arabish Hamasniks in their beds.

United against the terrorists

Meshugeneh — a crazy person

December 28, 2008

We Give Our Light to Gaza on Hanukkah Shabbat!

Filed under: Uncategorized — auntieziona @ 3:11 pm
Our leaders have delivered the ultimate gift to us on our celebration of light, Hanukkah Shabbat.

Finally the Jewish people have something to cheer for, while we watch the slaughter of the Gaza Hamasniks. And yet, was it really necessary for them to force us to waste their old people, their women, and their children?

It is a tragic comedy. The Hamasniks were taken completely by surprise. The last thing they expected was for us to rain death down upon them on our holiest of days.

Oy, but we must remember that Barak and Livni they are not real killers, unlike the arab terrorists. But because of the coming election, if they want to beat Bibi, they had no option but to prove to the people of Israel that they can kill arabs effectively. Nu shoin, politics is a lethal game.

With our American F-16 jets and Apache helicopters, we are destroying their police forces, their schools, their playgrounds, their mosques and their hospitals. And why do we do it? Not because we like it. It hurts us more than it hurts them. But they are forcing us to teach them a lesson.

And the whole world is standing by watching and keeping silent as the blood flows down the streets of Gaza, just as they did when we kicked them all out of Palestine in 1948.

We can do exactly what we like, including violating Lebanese luft space and setting off sonic booms over Lebanon en route to Gaza!

And once again our American brothers in Washington used their veto powers on Sunday to block a resolution calling for the end of the slaughter, and our Obambi’le, who is enjoying the surf in Hawaii with his family, had absolutely “no comment” to make!

Oy oy oy, and our Entebe hero, Ehud Barak, has promised that this is only the beginning of our Holy War, with thousands of troops preparing for the ground invasion to follow.

The stupid goyim really believe that Hitler was the ultimate monster, but thanks be to G_d, they fail to see that not even the Nazi yimachshmoinils went so far as to bomb the people trapped in their concentration camps!

United against the goyim

December 26, 2008

Shylock in Yiddish

shylockIn memory of our ancestor in Venice who demanded a pound of goyim flesh to cover outstanding interest payments.

Shakespeare came up with Shylock without knowing Madoff, the Lehman brothers or Lord Levy. You know why? Because Shakespeare was writing about himself. He was one of us! And it sounds far better in Yiddish.

United against the goyim

December 25, 2008

A Kosher Sutra Xmas with my Potty’le

Filed under: Uncategorized — auntieziona @ 1:13 pm

Nu shoin, this year I decided to take Dr. Closetstein’s advice, and get my nephews Xmas pressies which will help them work through their latent issues. Uch, what is it about Jewish men that they must have so many unresolved conflicts?

For my dearest Mony’le, a huge sack of Hanukkah chocolate gelt to fill up his little pirate treasure chest, and a signed copy of Bernie Madoff’s Guide to Setting up a Neighbourhood Ponzi Scheme.

For Mikey’le, shin pads and an authentic second-hand Barbra Streisand ball gown from Kosher-Ballgowns-R-Us.

For Dovid’le, a plastic blow-up swimming pool and a copy of the Koran translated into Yiddish.

For that mishuggah self-hating jazz man, Azmoned, the black sheep of the family, a recording contract in Eckveldt.

And last but not least, for the man in my life Charlie’le, to whom my tuches belongs, a copy of Shmuley Boteach’s The Kosher Sutra and something I have bought for myself which will make Potty very happy – edible blue and white kosher underwear, size 48.

United Against Christmas

Eckveldt – literally, the end of the earth. The last town, before you fall off the edge of the planet. Nowheresville. “They bought a house in the country. Not even the Catskills! Seven hours we drove! I’m tell you, it’s in Eckveldt!”
Hanukkah gelt (money) is often distributed to children to enhance their enjoyment of the holiday.
mishuggah (mish-shu-guh) – crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.
nu shoin – and so…

Christmas in Golders Green

Filed under: Uncategorized — auntieziona @ 1:11 pm

December 22, 2008

Happy Hanukkah with Len!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — auntieziona @ 12:04 pm

Oy, Leonard Cohen is top of the charts for Christmas! Hallelujah!

It is very clever of him because not only is he a Jew, he is also a Buddhist, which means he doesn’t believe in Jesus X 2!

Leonard’le probably doesn’t even believe in Santa, but he still makes money from it! This is what democracy is all about.
Len’s Hallelujah is a triple success for us, the Jewish people, claiming the No 1, No 2 and at No 36 (his original version) spots in the UK’s Christmas top 40 yesterday.

Nu, two versions of the same song have not taken the top two spots since 1957, and Hallelujah has never before charted in the UK top 40.

Believe me, it is about time Paul McCartney comes with a new one for Hanukkah!

United against the goyim

December 21, 2008

The Kleine Gonif Is Talking about the Groisse One

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — auntieziona @ 6:21 pm

My nephew Mony’le Gripstein is best known as a kliene gonif, with at least eleven misadventures that he never told his papa’le and mami’le about.

He’s had his hands in so many seedy court dramas that the family prefers not to discuss, but my Mony was never a groisse gonif, just a kleine one, what the goyim call a petty gonif.

Oi ever. Mony’le like Madoff loves to play with other people’s “ill-gotten gains”.

When all his mishuggah friends in the Palestinian movement found out about Mony’s slippery fingers, Mony played the Socialist Card and came with exactly the same line each time: “Nothing is wrong with relieving the banks of their ill-gotten gains,” he said.

In the Talmud we say “Once a gonif, always a gonif”.

The way I see it, the only difference between Madoff and Mony’le is the level of talent and honesty.

While Bernie’le did it big time, but was honest enough to confess, Mony’le was caught at the very beginning of his career, and since then he’s been hiding behind his various “spent convictions”.

Nu shoin, what can we do, Mony’le is our family shmendrik, but I love him so much.

Mony’le’s scheming mind has now come up with a new line. Uch, my Mony, a genius he’s not. He says because Bernie stole not only from the goyim, but also from Jews, his crime proves that there are no Jewish conspiracies.

Oi my Mony’le, you’ll never get it. Our Madoff’s swindle has permanently transferred 50 billion of gentile gelt into Jewish hands. He was stealing for the Jews and for Eretz Yisrael.

It was a pyramid scheme, and for decades our Madoff was taking from the goyim at the bottom and giving it to the Jews at the top.

If the truth be told, Bernie is our Chochem of the Year!

United against the goyim

chochem (KHOH-chem) – a possessor of wisdom, a brilliant person. It’s the ultimate tribute to a scholar. But it can also be said of a shrewd man because he’s so clever, or inventive. It is said with the highest respect, like “A chochem of the Talmud.”
gonif (gon-niff) – thief, dishonest person, embezzler, unscrupulous businessman.
groisse – big, large
mishuggah (mish-shug-uh) – crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.
shmendrik – a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop; a schlemiel. Think of Jerry Lewis doing his “Ladieeeeeeeeeeesss!” bit.

December 20, 2008

Ode to Madoff: I am a Loo

Filed under: Jewish, Loo, Madoff, philanthropy, Ponzi scheme, sewer, toilet — auntieziona @ 9:06 pm

Oy gevalt, the words “Jewish philanthropy” will never have quite the same ring to them, somehow.

December 19, 2008

This is How We’re Jewish

Filed under: 9/11, Abe Foxman, AIPAC, anti-semitism, Steven Spielberg — auntieziona @ 4:05 pm

I hope Tziga’le will find the time to produce an Auntie version.

Keith from Up da Block.

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