Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

May 14, 2008

Melanie Philips: Oi There Never was a Palestinian!

It’s true I may be the ultimate auntie of the Jewish people but, you know, when I was a young girl and my gazangas pointed towards the heavens, I had an auntie myself, Auntie Zosha.

Oi, she was so beautiful & always cleaning and scrubbing, but the thing about her was that she always put too much onion in her forshmak and often just a bit too much dried yeast in her balobichkes. We used to say to her ‘auntie, don’t put so much dried yeast in the balobichkes, auntie Zosha please!’ and do you know what she said? Well, I can’t tell you because if I told you then I would be telling you a private thing, and also I can’t remember. But it was so funny!

Two days ago I was cleaning out Mony’le’s old sock draw and guess what I discovered!? Old socks… but also I discovered that little Tony’le had squirrelled away old family photographs with passports, driving licenses, credit cards, everything! He is so sentimental. There I found a picture of Auntie Zosha. I couldn’t believe it. She was so beautiful even though she liked too much dried yeast. And do you know who she looks like!? I said it to Mony. I said ‘Mony, do you know who she looks like?’ I tell you, she looks exactly like my favorite writer, Melanie Philips. Oi, I love Melonie Philips. She is always coming with lovely things that make my loins stir with pride. Recently she made me realize that when those Arabs flee our beautiful Merkoives toinks, it’s not because we are murdering them like chickens in the kosher factory, but because they are evil, so they see the evil in us.

She said ‘Increasingly, Palestinians are packing up and leaving. It is they rather than the Israelis who are in despair. Their sense of national identity — always artificial — now lies finally shattered by the death cult that acts in their name.’

This is so good, because if they are not even Palestinian then I don’t see why I can’t become one! After all we are all the same, kosher, halal, oi one universal people!

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