Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 8, 2008

Our Jewish Pin-Ups for 2009

Filed under: Charles Pottins, David Hirsh, David Taube, Roland Rance, Tony Greenstein — auntieziona @ 9:00 pm

Only three bissel weeks to go and the New Year will be here! It’s time to buy ourselves new calendars my lieblings, and this is the one your Tante’le recommends.

To begin with, meet Mony, our cover guy, snapped during a meander through the woods with his gefilte in green-friendly packaging.

Oy oy oy, and here’s David’le, who never met an arab he liked or a platter of food he didn’t like. He’s been putting in the man hours to fatten himself up in time for Channukah. Girls, those love handles are to die for.

And for the red brigade we present Roland’le, our head sayan at Wiki, gatekeeper par excellence, who also loves a nice game of Yiddisher Scrabble….. but only sensitive baleboostehs need apply!

And now for Auntie’s personal favourite boychick, Potty’le …..for the woman who simply wants MORE… more experience, more attendance at meetings of the neighbourhood Goy Watch, more eating, more drinking and more merry-making, especially in the bedroom……

And last, but definitely not least… no calendar would be complete without our islamophobe with the swimming fetish. Oy oy oy, what Dovid’le loves to do in the muslim-only swimming pool will make you blush, girls… but don’t forget to wear your Star of David if you want to score with Dovid.

These are guys you can take home to mom, to Blooms, or even to a WIZO meeting without fear of reprisals. They’re nice… they’re Jewish… and they finally have their own calendar!

So what’s not to like?! Nu, it even comes with all the Jewish Holidays already marked.

United against the goyim machos!

Bissel: (bis-sel) A little.
Baleboosteh: (bal-a-boo-stah) an organized, efficient, praise-worthy homemaker.

May 15, 2008

A Salute to Those Who Keep Our World Safe

When Trancie arrived at my house today, I knew something was wrong. He had somehow lost his usual joie de vivre, his hair was unkempt, he smelled like last week’s gefilte fish, and it looked as though he had not had any sleep for a week.

Even worse, I could see from his red-rimmed eyes that he had been crying, his nose was still running, and he kept wiping it on the sleeve of his jumper, which was already criss-crossed and crusty with snail trails. I knew then that something must be going seriously wrong in his life.

Sit down, Trancie, I told him, and tell Auntie Z what’s the matter. (Though I was tempted to remind him to give his clothes a wash once in a while, I didn’t go there, as the poor man was upset enough already. But as my bubbe used to say, weeping makes the heart grow lighter.)

After quite a lot of cajoling, he came out with the truth. He told me that all the beautiful clips which my neighbour, Tziga’le Cinematsky, has been making for him, and which were uploaded at YouTube to show Trancie’s magnificent effort at Wikipedia to weed out and destroy the enemies of Israel, have been removed by the anti-semitic elements at YouTube. He is spending all night uploading new copies, and when he wakes up in the morning, they are gone again!

I told him, Trancie, you have to stop letting our adversaries stress you out, they cannot beat us in the long run! If it’s a war they want, we will launch a full-scale shoah against the censors, which will make our invasion of Lebanon look like a children’s birthday party.

I told him not to worry any more, despite the fact that the anti-semitic, anti-proletarian, anti-atheistic goyim at YouTube are taking down all of his publicity, our Tziga’le is going to create a marvellous new musical clip for him, one that is sure to get the feet tapping of even the most anti-semitic goy, with a tune that will take him to the Top of the Pops faster that you can say “Oy Vey!”.

Trancie started to cheer up a little bit when he heard about my plan to put the word out to our network of sayanim that more volunteers are needed for loading Trancie’s clips at YouTube, as well as to all the other free hosters provided on the internet. He started to smile again when I told him that in a matter of days, united against racism, we will upload hundreds of his clips to all the available sites, and the anti-semitic, anti-proletarian, anti-atheistic censors will never win this war!

As fast as they remove his material, we will continue putting it up, we will be like a beautiful blue and white AIDS virus, that multiplies each time one is removed!! The goyim will think of us as zioviruses against anti-semitism, and the holocaust-denying, neo-nazi censors will NEVER succeed in removing all references to our Trancie’le from the internet.

While Tzige’le is putting the finishing touches to Trancie’s new musical video clip (watch this space, where it will have its first showing), Tzige’le has given me permission to post his latest clip, a beautiful pictorial ode showing Trancie and many of Those Who Save the World saluting Gilad Shalit, the world’s most beloved soldier, and a human being as well as a Jew.

United against racism!

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