Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 16, 2008

Madoff’s List – Bernie, Come Home!


Oy vey. It is all Hitler’s fault.

Before the big war, the goyim knew pretty well how fishy we could be with money. But because of this mishuggah anti-Semite Hitler, they became convinced that the defeat of the Nazis was also a declaration of our innocence.

Oi ever, it was not only the stupid goyim who gave their gelt to Bernie Madoff. Everyone thought he was a heymishe Jewish guy. Even Steven’le Shpielberg and Elie Wiesel handed over all their shekels to this Yiddisher ganef, and now they’re wondering where the next bowl of chicken soup is coming from.

Last Passover I told that old alta kocker, “Bernie’le, why don’t you learn from Mony’le? Do it in small steps, one chicken here, a credit card there. 50 billion is just a bit too much in one helping.”

I tell you, I feel it in my kishkas. Even my dog Ponzi is looking nervous. For so long we have managed to effectively silence the goyim with this political correctness, but I always knew that eventually they would come for us. I am so worried.

I really hope Bernard’le left some money under the floorboards so that he can at least pay back Shpielberg to cover the costs of his new Swindler’s List production.

He may even call it “Madoff’s List”.

United against a new Shoah

Alta Kocker an old shit or an old fart.

Geltgold, money. Hanukkah gelt are the chocolate gold-foiled coins traditionally given at the holiday.

Gonif (gon-niff) – thief, dishonest person, embezzler, unscrupulous businessman.

Haymishe – warm, homey, friendly.

Kishkaguts, intestines. “I was so upset, I was eating my kishkas out!” “Some secret agent! After 10 minutes of questioning, he spilled his kishkas!”

Mishuggah (mish-shug-uh) – crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.

November 24, 2008

Kosher Harakiri

Oi, I can’t wait! I have tickets for the new Holocaust musical in the Vest End! It is set in the Warsaw Ghetto, but the characters put on a play within a play about Masada, the fortress where 960 Jews did a kosher Harakiri just to put off the Romans. So I get two tragedies for the price of one! This is very helpful during a credit crunch.

Oi, and there is one song that goes:
“The weather’s a stinker
We’re bound for Treblinka
But in only a blink of an eye
We’ll be flying in the sky
You and me-e-e-e!
Our spirits soa-oaring
Forever free!”

I know I will come out with the CD, the T shirt and the Holocaust education pack they give you. But I am worried because the Times said one poor person in the audience went to see it and couldn’t stop vomiting for three hours. But it was probably the gefilthe fish he had that was too old. Plus if you go on public transport, the goyim carry so many germs! Certainly it can’t be the scene where they crucify a Christian slave on stage while singing kletzmar songs that made him sick!?

United Against Music

November 21, 2008

Kosher Bigotry


Here in England the goyim are so strange. They really go after those people from the BNP, but they somehow fail to see that we are racist to the bone!

Yesterday our president Shima’le Peres said to the Times:

“If Switzerland were to build a nuclear bomb, we would not be necessarily alarmed. But I would not say Ahmadinejad has a Swiss temperament”.

Oi vey, I think this is the most racist comment anyone has ever said! But luckily for us, instead of throwing Shima’le out of the country, the royal goyim turn him into a knight.

But take it from Auntie, Shimale is not the only racist. This is what Tzipi’le had to say yesterday to the United Jewish Communities General Assembly:

“We need not to forget the ultimate goal of the State of Israel,” she said. “We need to keep the nature of the State of Israel, the character of the State of Israel, as a Jewish state because this is the raison d’etre of the State of Israel.”

And this is what Auntie wants to hear. Israel is our state, it is Jewish and it is for Jews only!!! All the other people can just piss off. There are enough countries for the Arabs. Israel is our one and only Jewish state.

United Against Everybody

November 19, 2008

A Shikse with a Yiddisher Kop

Oy oy oy, we are so happy to hear that Hillary has accepted the Secretary of State position from our Obambi’le.

Condoleeza’le will be able to sleep well at night when she goes off to play the piano, knowing that Hillary is on the job.

Our Hillary has supported Israel for such a long time, even more so than her husband Bill, and she was the one who urged him to make “a different decision” when he was the President and the US once failed to use its veto to protect Israel in the Security Council.

Our Hillary’le is having a fantastic week, with Israel’s blockade of food and medical supplies into Gaza and the tanks rolling into Rafah on Tuesday. She’s been in favour of cutting off US aid if Palestine doesn’t do what we, the Jews, want, since before her husband was President.

When asked about the possibility of a Palestinian State, she stated: “There is no question mark next to me. There’s an exclamation point. I am an emphatic, unwavering supporter of Israel’s safety and security.”

Oy vey, what more could we ask for? She may be a shikse, but she’s a shikse with a yiddisher kop.

In 2005, she visited our Israel and met with Ariel Sharon, who she described as “a courageous” man. Then she chose to have her photo-op at the Israeli settlement of Gilo, built on land confiscated from Palestinians, and one of nine settlements and 78 checkpoints enclosing Bethlehem.

And our Hillary’le stood in in front of the separation wall that the government of Israel was building with American money, and praised the wall, calling it a “fence” and a “security barrier to keep terrorists out,” even though the UN World Court had declared that it was “contrary to international law”. She even had the chutzpah to say she had “taken the International Court of Justice to task for questioning Israel’s right to build the fence”!

Oh yes, we can forget about the UN World Court and the United Nations messing in our business any more once Hillary comes to power. Hillary loves the Jewish people, and she supports all of Israel’s ways of oppressing and eventually expelling all the Palestinians remaining west of the Jordan River. She is one of us.

We can remain tranquil, knowing that our Hillary also hates Iran. She said, “the dire threat posed by the potential of a nuclear-armed Iran, not only to Israel, but also to Europe and Russia. Just this week, the new president of Iran made further outrageous comments that attacked Israel’s right to exist that are simply beyond the pale of international discourse and acceptability. During my meeting with Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, I was reminded vividly of the threats that Israel faces every hour of every day … It became even more clear how important it is for the United States to stand with Israel…”

With Rahm’le Emanuel as Chief of Staff and Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, Obambi is really giving the Arabs the middle finger. We can sit beside the pool and relax, knowing that there will be no change in his Middle East policies.

Mazel Tov, Hillary!

United Against the Arabs!

Shikse – Any non-Jewish woman, often referring to the curvy blonde that every loving Jewish mother fears her son will marry
Kop – head
Goyim – non-Jewish people


Cross-posted at The People’s Voice

November 17, 2008

Sir Peres, the Knight of the Body Bags

Filed under: Gaza, Israel, Kfar Kana, knight, knighthood, nuclear, Queen Elizabeth, Shimon Peres, UN Food Relief — auntieziona @ 8:37 pm


Mazal Tov! Isn’t it beautiful the way the goyim leaders are lining up to bestow honours on Israel?

First we had Obambi turning the Blue and White House into a Mossad zone, and now the Queen of England is making Buckingham Palace a place of asylum for our yiddishe piraten.

Our No.1 serial murderer, President Shimon Peres, the butcher from Kfar Kana, and the man who pioneered the Israeli nuclear project, arrives in the UK on Monday for a three-day state visit highlighted by his being given an honorary knighthood!

The goyim are so stupid, and we, the Jews, are getting away with murder on a grand scale. Either the goyim really love us, or they are really afraid of us, or maybe they hate themselves as much as we hate them.

We have managed to take Gaza back to the dark ages. Our Israel is starving the Palestinians, we have switched off their power, cut off their medical supplies and even barred UN Food Relief, and now our Minister of Defense is promising a large-scale invasion of Gaza in “just a matter of time”.

And the goyim, instead of condemning us, are going to award our president with the title of Knight! Maybe they believe that if they don’t match or better Obambi’s example, then the Cash Machine Levy and the Labour Friends of Israel will hide away their wallets.

Oy oy oy, our Shimon’le is to be awarded a Knight Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St. Michael and St.George (KCMG), the sixth most-senior award in the British system, given only to individuals who have “rendered important services in relation to foreign nations”.
Maybe I am missing something, but why is it so important for the Queen to endorse the killing of so many innocent Lebanese?

Nu Shoin, I am just an auntie from Golders Green, what do I know…?

United Against the Goyim!

November 15, 2008

Wiki plays ball with our Rahm

Filed under: Benjamin Emanuel, Google, Irgun, Islamophobia, Israel, Rahm Emanuel, Wikipedia — auntieziona @ 2:13 pm

Oy gevalt, the meshugener goyim created such a plotz about our Benjamin’le’s innocent remark. They assumed that Rahm’s papale was saying that Obambi himself was only fit to clean the floors of the Blue and White House!

To keep the Arab street from kvetching, Rahm’le had to instruct our Wiki sayanim, Jayjg and Avraham to quickly remove Dr. Emanuel’s page from Wikipedia, and our boys at Google to sanitise the page from even the Google cache!

Luckily Auntie Shelomi made a snapshot of Dr. Benjamin’s original Wiki entry for her altar, or it would have been lost forever.

The WIZO ladies of Golders Green will be paying tribute to Dr. Benjamin and his heroic contribution to the creation of Israel tomorrow with a marathon baking session, with the winning babka to be couriered across the Atlantic first thing on Monday morning to our Benjamin’le in Illinois.


United Against the Goyim!

November 8, 2008

IDF in the White House!

Silly American shelmazels, they really thought that they could liberate themselves and get us out of their lives.

They thought that they could punish the Republicans for the Wolfowitzes and the Perles and the Adelmans and the Libbys.

They didn’t realise that within 24 hours with Obambi, they would have an IDF soldier running the White House.

This is so funny! Because of the political correctness, people are so afraid to confront our ultimate power. Consequently, we are having a non-stop party at the expense of humanity.

Obambi’s newly-appointed Moishe Gross, Rahn’le Emanual, is no doubt the real thing. He may even be the Messiah, yet I would expect him to ride a white donkey rather than a black president.

In an interview with Ma’ariv, his papa’le, Dr. Benjamin Emanuel, said he was convinced that his son’s appointment would be good for Israel. “Obviously he will influence the president to be pro-Israel… Why wouldn’t he be? What is he, an Arab? He’s not going to clean the floors of the White House.”

Nu Shoin, what you would expect of a proud father?

The American shelmazels do not understand that we are their terminal disease. They remove us from the spine, within twenty four hours they find us in the kidneys. Once they try to treat the kidneys, we settle in the brain, what they call the White House.

Oy oy oy, just one of the beautiful Israeli things our Rahm’le mentions in The Plan: Big Ideas for America, is the coming introduction of something very much like our own glorious IDF for all Americans from age 18 – 25, not only for the bagels, but also for all the kugels.

I tell you the truth, very soon the American people are going to miss Wolfowitz and Libby, because with our Emanuel in office, it is just a question of time before American war planes carry Star of David symbols.

And take it from Auntie Ziona, nothing is wrong with that! If you fight the Israeli war, why not use some Jewish symbols for decoration?

United Against The Americans!

September 22, 2008

Auntie’s Open Letter to Paul McCartney

Filed under: Beetles, Israel, Paul McCartney — auntieziona @ 5:09 pm

Dear Sir Paul’le, I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that we, the Jewish people are so happy you are coming to Tel Aviv to spread peace & love & vegetarian pop. Oi it is so beautiful!! Paul’le I have to admit I didn’t know your music very well before, because you don’t play much kletzmer & when you said things like ‘all you need is love’ I just didn’t relate to it at all. But now, even after you paid that horrible pirate woman for a divorce, I see it costs over NIS 500 (£100) to see you dancing singing live! Oi!!! I think u must be a very important man!

We, the Jewish People, who have suffered & schlepped more then anyone else in history, are profoundly regretful that we refused you entry to Israel all those years ago. Now we realise that your hit song, ‘The Fool on the Hill’, refers to Jesus Christ & the Sermon on the Mount, so we can all be friends again for peace & love & tofu – oi oi oi!

Now, Paul’le I would also like to apologise for all the letters you have been sent by these silly jewish lefties. I do hope that when you open these letters, while eating yr goyim breakfast with your new beautiful millionairess tzayzke who is 25 years younger than you, that their words don’t upset you too much. I suspect really Paul, that these little lefties think that by writing you a letter, they are somehow associated with your glory. It is sad but we have to admit it. This is why they like to fixate on celebrities like you & this meshigine sax man Galil Atzmoned, who I think you even played with once.

Have a wonderful concert my little Beetle!

Love Auntie Ziona XXX

p.s You know your friend John’s song : ‘Imagine no posessions. It’s easy if you try. Imagine there’s no Country, above us only sky.’ Well if you see one of the Palestinians you won’t have to imagine anymore. We made your dream come true!

I found some footage of you on youtube – you are very handsome boy! And you’re voice is not bad either.

June 30, 2008

Jackie Mason Talks the Peace

Oi would you check out this clip?! The way Jackie Mason spits whenever he says the word ‘Arab’ is beautiful! Such grace, such eloquence, such poignancy. The man is so Jewish he manages to speak in a Noo Joy-zee accent even though he is from Wisconsin. That takes some doing! It is like sounding like a Glaswegian if you were born in the Golan Heights. Such talent. I wonder did he study acting with Lee Strasboyg?

Now it seems that Mr Mason (who I admit I have a slight crush on) is not just a comedian. He is a historian too. But he has a few little glitches to iron out. He tells us ‘Not only do the Arabs (spit) not belong there (spit) but they were never there in the first place. (dribble) They never existed as a people or as an entity.’

Oi this is wonderful news. But then he tells us that the Palestinians were originally persecuted by Syria & Jordan & that’s how they came to live on our land. He says ‘Many of them were annihilated, so how come they don’t ask for anything in return?’

Good question. When someone murders my family I want to be offered a cash alternative.

I tell you, the whole thing stinks like a gefilte fish that’s been left in the fridge for 3 days because you had to rush out to recue T’ziga’le from the Police station again and you forgot to clean it out.

United Against Racism!

June 16, 2008

Nu, I am a Kazoo!

Filed under: Israel, Jews, Kazoo, Tziga'le, WISO, zionism — auntieziona @ 3:07 pm

Despite recent developments, Tziga’le’s creative juices are overflowing. He spent the weekend creating this lyrical video clip about us, the musical people of Israoel.

Oy Vey, at the moment he is gearing up to meet the challenge posed by the delegation of sayanim who paid him a visit in the middle of the night, which I will write more about when I have strengthened myself after the WIZO ladies buffet lunch, where Tziga’le will be our special guest speaker…

United Against Racism!

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