Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

May 14, 2008

Melanie Philips: Oi There Never was a Palestinian!

It’s true I may be the ultimate auntie of the Jewish people but, you know, when I was a young girl and my gazangas pointed towards the heavens, I had an auntie myself, Auntie Zosha.

Oi, she was so beautiful & always cleaning and scrubbing, but the thing about her was that she always put too much onion in her forshmak and often just a bit too much dried yeast in her balobichkes. We used to say to her ‘auntie, don’t put so much dried yeast in the balobichkes, auntie Zosha please!’ and do you know what she said? Well, I can’t tell you because if I told you then I would be telling you a private thing, and also I can’t remember. But it was so funny!

Two days ago I was cleaning out Mony’le’s old sock draw and guess what I discovered!? Old socks… but also I discovered that little Tony’le had squirrelled away old family photographs with passports, driving licenses, credit cards, everything! He is so sentimental. There I found a picture of Auntie Zosha. I couldn’t believe it. She was so beautiful even though she liked too much dried yeast. And do you know who she looks like!? I said it to Mony. I said ‘Mony, do you know who she looks like?’ I tell you, she looks exactly like my favorite writer, Melanie Philips. Oi, I love Melonie Philips. She is always coming with lovely things that make my loins stir with pride. Recently she made me realize that when those Arabs flee our beautiful Merkoives toinks, it’s not because we are murdering them like chickens in the kosher factory, but because they are evil, so they see the evil in us.

She said ‘Increasingly, Palestinians are packing up and leaving. It is they rather than the Israelis who are in despair. Their sense of national identity — always artificial — now lies finally shattered by the death cult that acts in their name.’

This is so good, because if they are not even Palestinian then I don’t see why I can’t become one! After all we are all the same, kosher, halal, oi one universal people!

April 23, 2008

Oi Ken: Diss the Jooos, We’ll make you loose!

I am so happy with our Board of Deputies and their smear campaign against this Mayor Ken Livingstein. At the end of the day, it is us the Jewish people who suffered for at least 2000 years, it is down to us to decide who should run London and what is left of the British Empire. This Jew-hater Livingstein is an horrible man, a communist who wants to share everything, a multi-race apologist, a supporter of Palestine liberation and an Arab-lover in general . We should have destroyed him a long time ago.

Think about the congestion charge, what a dreadful anti-Semitic idea! It doesn’t make any sense to me that innocent Jews from Golders Green and Hendon, people who survived the Holocaust as well the Inquisition and the destruction of the temple should have to pay any money when driving into town. We are not like the apathetic English People who eat bacon and read the Sun, we are different from these Caribbean people who shake their booty in Notting Hill once a year. We, the Jewish people are real victims, with real scars and real agony to do with our real disastrous past.

Thanks God for our leaders and our people in media and academia who got together and decided to destroy this mayor Livingstein. If we want to run this country, we should first take its capital. Then we decide what to do with the rest. It has been done before. If our Americans brothers can do it, no reason why we shouldn’t give it a go.

But may I tell you the truth. Initially, I was slightly worried because of the Independent Jewish Voices. I was afraid that these Independent kosher Voices, who promised to defy the all voice of the Board of Deputies, would rush to rescue this Amalek Mayor Livingstein. But, guess what, they did nothing for the mayor. Nothing, nada, zilch! I tell you why, because even our Independent ‘vocal’ brothers and sisters know deep in their heart that what is good for the Jews is good for humanity. Maybe they ain’t that independent after all.

Together against Racism

April 17, 2008

Auntie’s Revelation

All my neighbors in Golders Green and all the ladies at the North West London Wizo social club asked me yesterday: ‘Auntie Ziona, why do you do it, why a blog, why now, what happened, are you going meshige? They, God bless them, thought that we may have encountered a sudden illness in the family, so I try raise money on line. I don’t know what is it with our people. They always think money.

I told my friends in Wizo it recently occurred to me that what the people of Isroel need now is a mother, a woman figure, a 21st century prophet Deborah. Not a military veteran warrior like Sharoin, Rabin or Shimshoin der Giber, but a woman with big Jewish kitchen and a pair of enormous white bazookas! A female stature who spreads love, a person who grew up between boiling pots of Jewish dishes, an elder Jewess who knows how to assemble the entire Jewish people and its lost sons around a single big cosmic table. What we need is a new Golda Meir, a woman who knows how to turn a chicken into an aspirin, a woman who knows how to turn her 30 year old infantile son into a leading world heart surgeon. And guess what, three nights ago I realised that I am that woman! In the middle of the night, a gorgeous Ashkenazi angel appeared to me when I was fast asleep. He was flying in circles between our house and Bloom Delicatessen. I could see his beautiful white wings with the blue stars in between the anti-tank rockets and his armpits. He didn’t have to land or say a thing. The message was clear: I am the woman. Auntie Ziona is going to be the saver of the People of Isroel.

First thing in the morning, even before I made Maza balls for Pesach, I called my nephew Mony Gripstein who lives in Brighton. You ask why I called him rather than Lord Levy or David Abrahams. So here is my answer. I called him in spite of his horrendous reputation and in spite of his, how to say it, unlawful past. I called him because for me he is a Jewish progressive revolutionary Robin Hood. Except just a few minor differences. Robin Hood pinched from the rich and gave to the poor, Mony’le pinched from the poor and gave to himself.

I called Mony’le because deep in his heart he is a Jew like all of us, and like all of us he relentlessly fights the haters of Isroel. And guess what, Mony’le didn’t ask questions, he took the bus first, because he doesn’t have a car and the train is too expensive. He schlepped all the way to Golders Green. He took me to this Appleboim Macintoyesh centre in Brent Cross and bought me this beautiful white machine which I call Jewish Powermac. Mony’le promised me that though all the Appleboim computers are made in China by little yellow Maoist goyim, they are perfectly kosher cos the knowledge comes from Intel Isroel. To make a long story short, he said that should I feel completely Jewishly safe between Beijing and Jerusalem.

Mony’le was sitting with me and showed me how to switch it on. Just to keep him happy I served him with some small appetizers: rogalch, chopped liver, soup with maza balls, borsht with yogurt and apple shtrudle with cream. He ate everything except the soup, because the Maza came from Isroel and Tony’le supports the boycott of Isroeli products. It is very clever of Tony, because it makes the Goyims believe that not all Jews are bad. I tell you, the Kosher diet of the Jewish Marxists is even more complicated than the frumers of Stanford Hill.

Mony’le didn’t waste time, he took me for a long journey into this wonderful world called internet that was of course invented by our people in Tel Aviv scientific park for the benefit of humanity. And he then took me to see all these anti-Simone horrible specimens such as this Noam Chopsky and Norman Finkelstein, Isroel Shamir and Marsheimer, and Jeff Blankfort and Paul Eoisen who I know since he was a little baby. I tell you, this Eoisen always had a big problem, he was always too honest and genuine. He could never be an ordinary tribal Jew in million years.

And then, guess what, Mony’le took me to see this Klezmer musician whom he hates, Axmen or Yatsman whatever his name is, we saw him on youtube. I tell you, the way he blows his trumete, my loins were shaking in my lower belly. I tell you, for a second I wished this Axman was my nephew rather than Mony’le. One look at his eyes, and I knew he would love my Maza balls. I thought of him coming over to eat my gefilthe. But then I learned from Mony’le that this Axman is a self-hater and ex-Jew, and he mixes with Nazis and he is a lost man in general. And if this is not enough, this horrible Axman is not impressed with Jewish Radicals either. He says that Marxist Jews are there to trick the Goyim. What can I say, this trumpeter is no stupid. He may be right about that one but why is he sharing the truth with the Goyim?

Before Mony’le left, he sat with me and set this site that looks exactly like his.

I am the Auntie for all the Jewish people around the world. For the self lovers, and the Zionists, and the Religious, and the orthodox and the semi-orthodox, and the reforms. But I am as well the auntie for the self-haters. I am the Auntie of our lost Jewish tribe: for the Jewish Bolsheviks, and the Jewish cosmopolitans and the Jewish atheists and the Jewish anti-Zionists. I am their Auntie because we are one people made and one blood, and we are all united by hatred, and loath to those who do not accept us for who we are and what we are.

Here is my word: Give me a year and I will bring all of us together even before Rosh Ashana.

And guess what, if I am as clever as I pretend to be, I promise to bring back the Auntie Simones: The Chomskys, the Shamirs, the Eoisen, the Axmans, Jesus, Spinoize and hopefully Jimmy Cunter or whatever you call him. We are one people made and of one blood, and I will bring us all together.

As Mony Gripstein says

We are all United Against Racism

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