An S.O.S. after Shabbat

Oy gevalt, after reading some of the comments made in this post about his preferred methods for disciplining the young, it was not easy for my Mony’le to sit and eat gefilthe at the same table with his brethren on Shabbat.

With tears in his eyes, Mony’le showed us this blue and white ribbon given to him by the Israeli Embassy and Chief Wikipedia Rabbi, Comrade Roland Rance, to commemorate his ceaseless caring for the Jewish youngsters of the working class. Mony assured us that he loves all the little people, and as you know, he himself has never fully grown up.

The incident in which “The Great Velcro” slapped a little boy with a broken arm through the face really happened, yes, and afterwards, my Mony said some things about the “reasonable chastisement” of the young which he has come to regret. Nu Shoin, what can we do, he always says things and then happens to regret them. That is life, or shall I say, that is Mony’s life. Oi ever, Mony’le and the magician both discovered that Velcro sticks worse than sheise.

Mony’le now wants to make it clear that he loves everybody, except Eisen, Azmond, Mearsheiner & Walt, and the Hamas. He loves the elders, the youngsters, the working class, the unemployed, the magicians, Toys-R-Us, and he even loves himself!

Pinning his blue and white ribbon proudly on his chest, he proclaimed loudly that this ribbon is there to show his REAL feelings about the little people who are put on this Earth for us to protect.

As annoyed as I was with Mony for kicking Miki’le in the shins, I am here to affirm that Mony’le adores the young, and his fondest wish is to raise them to be proud, unemployed Jewish revolutionary socialists just like himself.

United Against the Adult!

No Shoin, should we invite Azmoned as well?!

It looks like my Shabbat is turning into a groice cross-cultural event, now that Auntie Maria is coming from South America and Mary’le is coming from Italy.

With Mony’le, tRancie’le and Miki’le in attendance, I hope Auntie Maria is not going to treat them like the three stooges again, and that we can all just have a nice gesellige meal together and unite as brother and sisters beneath the wings of Auntie Ziona.

But I want to have a gefilthe with Azmoned!! I am thinking about inviting him to this event. Perhaps he will bring his clarinet and play some kleine kletzmar for us.

Auntie Maria’s comment (see below) makes me start to see that my Mony’le has no chance against this sheigetz, Azmoned.

I may have to beg for Azmoned’s mercy for my Mony on Friday night!

Azmoned, I’ll say, you know about my Monyle.. he is a bit of a meshige… but why can’t you just ignore him the way the other Palestinian activists do?!

Auntie Maria’s guest post

Tony Greenstein writes:

“A few paragraphs previously Atzmon informs us that:
Jews are not necessarily Zionists. They can also be humanists, universalists, ordinary human beings… “

As usual, Greenstein fails to quote Atzmon’s sentence in full.

Here is the Atzmon quote:

“Jews are not necessarily Zionists. They can also be humanists, universalists, ordinary human beings,plumbers, musicians, shopkeepers and even shoplifters.”

Greenstein dropped: “plumbers, musicians, shopkeepers and even shoplifters.”

I guess we all know why.

As far as we are aware, Greenstein is not exactly a ‘plumber’, not a musician either, and not a shopkeeper.

But what about ‘shoplifting’? …

We have a very good reason to believe that Greenstein interprets Atzmon’s writing about the tribal Jew as applying to one particular Tony.

It is devastating for Greenstein, considering the fact that Atzmon’s Credit Crunch paper is now posted on more than 9.000 sites.

However, Atzmon continues:

“The Zionists amongst the Jews are very easy to trace. They always operate politically as Jews. They run Jewish lobbies, think tanks and pressure groups. For that matter, Jewish American Committee (JAC), AIPAC, Jews For Peace and Anti Zionist Jews are all different forms of Jewish tribal national politics.”

Indeed, Tony Greenstein and Roland Rance “operate politically as Jews” and run “pressure groups”.

The conclusion is very clear:

Greenstein is overwhelmed by Atzmon’s coherence. He always drops the bits that refers to him and expose him as a devoted Zionist.

Sadly enough, Greenstein lacks the talent to confront Atzmon.

All he can do is lie and deceive.

What would you expect of a man with such an enormous record of Spent Convictions ….:)

Posted by Auntie Maria to Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone at 28 October 2008 13:35

United Against the Goyim!

The IJAN is Birthed – with Two Jews Fighting in a Church

Oy gevalt, it seems that my two little nephews, Mony’le and Miki’le, have got nothing better to do than tripping and kicking each other in a church.

Mony’le hates the churches. A few months back, he was caught vandalizing one in Brighton.

But it is not because he is racist, he is actually very united against racism. This is why he makes sure that all the bald boys … oy, I mean BOLD boys in the “International Jewish Anti-Zionist Network” lost the tip of their schwantzes a long time ago.

Because Mony’le is so united against racism, he wants to form a Jews-only peace campaign. Nu shoin, what is wrong with that? In Isroel, we have the Jews-only state and in England, we have the Jews-only peace campaign. As long as the Goyim are out, Auntie Ziona is happy.

But then, if it is a ‘Jews-only’ gathering , why did they make it in a church? Wouldn’t it have been better to make it in a synagogue? Or in the Israeli embassy? Or even in Blooms? At least there he could kick Miki’le’s shins without getting us into trouble with the Goyim.

I told Mony so many times, we pay you so much money to destroy the Palestinian solidarity movement, Azmoned and Eoisen, but instead of doing that you are bringing a Shoa on all of us. Mony, you must stop desecrating churches. The Goyim must believe that we respect them.

Oi ever, I’ll see Mony’le, Trance’le, Moshik Machover and Miki’le next Friday night, and I’ll sort it all out with a gefilthe and kreplach.

We have to make sure the Goyim do not make big zimes out of it.

Click To Play

United Against Racism!

Aunties Open Letter to Sarah Silverman

Dear Sarah’le

When I saw your new film clip I told Mony’le to pack our suitcases & head for Denmark because these goyam will want to kill us all. Even despite the rising cost of british gas.

See more Sarah Silverman videos at Funny or Die

I know that you are on anti-depressents so you are obviously slightly fragile. But please please please leave suicide to the palestinains and this meshigine bin loiden. It is our job, as jews, to induce suicide in other people, not practice it ourselves. And Sarah’le what you did in your film is very dangerous for us all. Poor Mony’le is making a cup of tea right now wearing his gatkes and a gas mask made of Schnizel.. He is terrified & it is your fault.

Now, it is true that jews should vote for this black man who loves israel. We all know that he is the best one for us. But why not just send an annonimous email? Using our Jewish media like the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and this Foxmanl News. Why to make the film, print the Tshirt & sell the mugs? When we jews run a war or paying for a Marxist revolution we find some clever ways to do it all.

Sarah’le my engale, everybody can see from your film that you vote for what is best for israel, not what is best for America , this makes you a trator. Look what they did to the meshigine boy from Califirnia who fought in the Taliban. They wrapped him up like a boil-in-the-bag duck al’orange & put him piece of kaken to rot for 20 years! You see Sarah’le, the goyim will start to realise that all this Credit Zimes is our Job. As you know, here in the Palestinian solidarity they know about Mony’le and Tranc’le. It won’t take long before the Americans see through us.

Now that I have told you off I will now give you 1 compliment. It is quite clever the way you adopt the persona of a spoilt racsist jewish princess when that is what you actually are. Oi!!! Very clever indeed.

Cream of the Jewish Revolutionary Dance Contest

Oy vey, it is so exciting! My chuchem neighbour Tziga’le is filming the 60th annual Jewish Revolutionary Dance Contest, and Golders Green has come alive with the sound of music.

On every street corner they are selling delicious Jewish delicacies and for the children special battery-powered Stars of David which have a strobe light that keeps time with the rhythm.

So far the line-up is looking quite superb. The contest will continue through the next two weeks, and Auntie Ziona will keep you posted about the finalists and eventual winners of the all-expenses paid trip to Jerusalem for the Holocaust Slow Dancing Contest scheduled for later this year.

Some of the entrants from just this afternoon’s exciting array of dancers:

First we started with the Sayanim’s Can-Can, featuring the Shabbat Goy Sarah’le Blackwell, the UK Neocon, Doivid Hirsh, our Man at Wiki, tRance’le, Anti Defamatory Abe’le Foxman und my darling nephew, Shopy Liftenstein.

Then drawing a sharp in-breath from the gathered crowd, onto the stage came the glittering duo, Disco Stars Mrs ‘Rance’le und my delightful nephew Shopy’le again, representing “Jews Against Zionism” as well as the tzviene Bundist left.

This was followed by, for the first time in the history of the contest, the Sexy Self-Haters category, with Finkelsoin from Americe, Poipe from Extoyer, und Atzmoned from Londonistan. Together they ask what love is all about.

And showing us what happens in the magical midnight hours when the Goyim are sleeping and the Jews are having fun, Sexy Shabbat Goya mit Shop Liftenshtein.

And the grand finale for the romantics in the audience, Trance’le mit Lenni’le und soft lighting.

United Against Racism!

SuperKosher

There was a clear and confident knock on my back door last night. I knew it was Tziga’le, my neighbour and a comrade, because he sometimes uses Morse Code for “Shalom, Tante Ziona”, just to stay in practice. You never know when you’re going to need Morse Code again.

I opened my door gladly because I have been worried about dear Tzigal’le ever since tRancie put out the word that all those marvellous video clips about tRance’le’s rise to power at Wikipedia were made by that scheigetz Atzmond, rather than Tziga’le himself. This was almost too much for our Tziga’le to bear.

But when he strode in through the back door last night with his Menorah in one hand and a victorious expression on his face, I knew Tziga’le had turned the corner.

“Come with me, Auntie Ziona,” he announced, leading the way to the little back room where he keeps his Macintoyesh across from a small shrine of holy objects dedicated to the us, the people of Isroel. He gave me the comfortable chair and lit all the candles on the Menorah, as well as a stick of incense with gefilthe blossom. At the centre of the altar was a photograph of tRancie receiving his award from the Israeli embassy a few years ago, flanked on the left by one of those beautiful Israeli children signing the bombs about to be delivered to Lebanon. On the right side was the Calendar of events for June of the Golders Green Holocaust Museum and the take-way menu from the now-defunct Kosher-Stews-R-Us, which was closed down after the rabbi found some melted cheese in his Cholent.

“Aunty Ziona,” Tziga’le said, “tRancie came here a couple of nights ago to ask me to forgive him for not telling the whole world who the creative genius was behind those clips. I feel much better about it now, Aunti’e Ziona. tRancie asked me to turn my talents instead to creating a video which would portray him as a hero, no more talk about being part of the Sayanim. A saviour of the world, coming to the aid of the workers’ children needing to be rescued from burning synagogues and such-like.”

He paused to pour us each a glass of Yarden Gewurztraminer Vintage imported from Isreel, which he picked up at Steimatzky’s store, and has been keeping for a special occasion.

“He promised that if I could portray him in a heroic light, he would give me full credit for creating the clip. But he insisted I had to make him look really magnificent. Well, I got to work straight away, Auntie Z. Watch this!” he said, clinking glasses…

United Against Racism!

My Father was a Jew, my mother was a Jew, and I am a Jew

Oi Tziga’le, meine Tziga’le is such a Meshigine. He loves his people so much that he just cannot stop making films about us.

The other day he was so upset when that noodlik, Sayan tRance 007.01, insisted on publicly giving all the credit for Tziga’le’s latest video clips to those devils, Atzmond, Finkelstein, Carter and Gibsoin.

Poor Tzigale was sitting at home crying on his bed for most of the day, picturing his long-awaited Oscar flying out the window. All the family was worried, the boy didn’t eat or drink for 24 hours, and kept threatening to go into the desert for forty days, where he would be “more appreciated”! When he did talk, it was about grim subjects, the Shoah, the Massada, his hurt at not being invited to little Avraham Levy’s Bar Mitzvah, and the rising price of cheese blintzes at Blooms.

But then I popped over with a dozen rogalches and a sufgania that was left in the freezer from Hannuka. One rogale and my creative genius cheered up, and showed me his new anti-racist cinematic pinnacle which embraces as its subject matter the crucial topic of cleanliness, something very close to Jewish hearts. He opened his arms wide while discussing his latest piece, in a manner which suggested the inclusion of all things both Hygienic and Jewish, such as the Bris, keeping a Kosher kitchen, and let’s not forget, the ethnic cleansing of what some like to call Palestine.

Believe me comrades, as Mony’le says, it really doesn’t matter who you are and what you are, a Jew, a loo, a Kazoo with a tattoo, as long as you ain’t an Arab or the BNP, vey zmir.

United Against Racism!

Click To Play

Is tRance trying to bring a Shoah upon all of us?

Or is he a chafarferet?

When tRance arrived at my front door this afternoon, he was visibly shaken. He was wearing that blue and white pullover Mrs Mendelsohn knitted for him when he turned 18, that serves as a sort of security blanket which he brings out of the closet when things are not going well, or when he runs out of medication. The sleeve of the right arm was crusty again with dried snarly and his eyes were red and tearful.

“tRance’le,” I said, “Mein Kinde, what’s going on with you this time?” He sniffled and made his way to my computer to show me this page from Wikipedia, where no less than 466 enemies of his are identified. “I can’t take it any more, Auntie Ziona,” he said. “I thought those video clips Tziga’le made of me, I mean the ones made by Azmond, Finkelstein, Gibsohn and Carter, would stop this hate campaign against me and make me a popular boychick. I was wrong. My list of enemies has expanded rather than contracted, and I don’t know what to do any more!”

I had a look at the page and could not believe my eyes! So many people trying to stop agent 007.01 from carrying out his important work for Zion at Wikipedia, could it be true? I had to sit down. “And look at the horrible names they are coming up with here, Auntie Z.”, he said, “such as Bash rrance, Bedwetter Rance, Diarrhea Rance, HangTrot, Imprison RRance, and Rancie Stink. They despise me.”

“But tRancie, mein Kinde,” I said, “who are these people? Are all of them anti-Zionists?”

“Most of them, Auntie,” he said. “But some just don’t like my face, some are anti-Socialist, some are anti-Bolshevik, some are anti-Ashkenazi, some are anti-grandfathers, some are anti-Londoners, some are anti-babysitters and some are anti-atheists. But some of them are real Socialists and true humanists, and they just read through me.”

“But tRancie,” I said, “are you mad? You are collecting enemies the way Auntie Shelomi collects Hannukah recipes. You are paid to be a Sayan, not to bring a new Shoa on our people, what is wrong with you? All these people who hate you so much will come for all of us eventually… and tRanci’le, have you ever asked yourself why they all despise you so much? Is it because you are such a wonderful man? We are talking here about hundreds of people. A researcher could use this material as a case study for anti-semitism!”

I managed to calm him down with some borscht and a promise that I would take him for lunch at Blooms on Saturday, but after he left, something occured to me. A crazy notion, to be sure, but knowing tRancie the way I do, it could be a distinct possibility.

Could tRance’le himself be the person behind 95% of those so-called “sockpuppets”, to make it seem that he is being attacked by anti-zionist, anti-semitic, holocaust-denying Goyim, thus currying more favour with the Israeli Embassy and hoping for a little bonus? If so, and I know I’ve said this before…..our tRancie is more clever than he looks.

He is not just an ordinary Sayan. He may in fact be a double Sayan, what we call in Hebrew a Chafarferet.

United Against Racism

Boycott Shmoycott

Somebody explain it to me. My Mony’le was thrown out of university (Nu shoin, this happens in the best families) . And now he’s boycotting academics? It’s like me boycotting Finsbury Park Mosque. I don’t understand. And every day he is screaming about the boycott boycott boycott! It would be better if he would be allowed into a university first.

Oi, he is jumping around the living room with a big piece of white card. I said ‘Mony’le your face has gone purple. Put the down the card because I can see from here that your name isn’t on it. Calm down & have some home-made hamantaschen with caramelized almonds and cinnamon’.

I said, ‘Mony’le if you want to stop students reading books by a Sabra, then why do you read this Gilad Azmond all the time?’ I tell you Mony consults the work of this Azmond even more than I consult my Torah. He practices reciting it every single day! I am so confused. I said ‘Mony do you boycott if somebody used to live in Isroeel or only if they live there now? Explain!’

Because Yona at Golders Green bridge club, her cousin Isaac, his wife Rachel, her nephew David, he teaches books at Goldsmith college and Oi, he loves Isroeel. David LOVES Isroeel so much! And Yona told me he teaches his class to love Isroeel too. But I wonder why does Mony’le not wave his big white card at this David? I don’t want him to because I would never be able to face Yona at bridge, but still, I am confused.

And then I told Mony, ‘you know once they stop David, they may as well continue with tRance’le and with you. Because by now everyone knows that you were working for us all those years.

United Against Racism!

International Judaica

Oi… some of our comrades asked where were Mony’le and tRanc’le in the May 1st Yiddish celebration we featured in the previous post…

Tzigale has just found this clip in the Jewish film archive at the Isroeli Embassy.

So here we proudly present the red Sayanim anthem as sung on every May 1st by Mony’le, tRanc’le and Potty, which for me is so inspiring…

United Against Racism!