Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

November 24, 2008

Kosher Harakiri

Oi, I can’t wait! I have tickets for the new Holocaust musical in the Vest End! It is set in the Warsaw Ghetto, but the characters put on a play within a play about Masada, the fortress where 960 Jews did a kosher Harakiri just to put off the Romans. So I get two tragedies for the price of one! This is very helpful during a credit crunch.

Oi, and there is one song that goes:
“The weather’s a stinker
We’re bound for Treblinka
But in only a blink of an eye
We’ll be flying in the sky
You and me-e-e-e!
Our spirits soa-oaring
Forever free!”

I know I will come out with the CD, the T shirt and the Holocaust education pack they give you. But I am worried because the Times said one poor person in the audience went to see it and couldn’t stop vomiting for three hours. But it was probably the gefilthe fish he had that was too old. Plus if you go on public transport, the goyim carry so many germs! Certainly it can’t be the scene where they crucify a Christian slave on stage while singing kletzmar songs that made him sick!?

United Against Music

May 1, 2008

Nu shoin, a new Shoah!

Hoi Givalt, 100 British Jews revealed yesterday, black on white in the Guardian letter section: “We’re not celebrating Israel’s anniversary”.

What are we going to do? This is a new Shoa embarking on our innocent people!

According to the Zionist-run Wikipedia, the number of Jews living in Britain is somewhere between 250.000 and 350.000. So I made a quick calculation, recruiting my entire stock of frozen maza balls, and found out that now we are left with only 249.900-349.900 who celebrate this most precious Jewish birthday. Only 349.900 are going to dance in the streets of Golders Green, instead of 350.000.

But then I asked myself, what do they mean by ‘not celibrating’?. I can understand that some Jews do not care that much about their brothers. They may not even know about the Israeli celebration. But ‘not celebrating’ must be a different kind of disengagement.

What is their plan? Are they going come to our birthday Simcha, but then sit in a dark room listening to Wagner or Azmond, while crying their head off as if it’s Yom Kippur? What do these Jews do for a celebratory day out? Take gefilthe fish to the Brabican & sit looking at Nakba photos demonising the Chosen people all afternoon?

You should all know Auntie Ziona by now, I am not looking for conflicts. I never try to put other Jews down, I always look for the bond that make us all into one people who do nothing but try to save the world. I always look for the bright side of (Jewish) life. So I went and read again the first paragraph of these Jewish Anti-Party anarchists:

“In May, Jewish organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel. This is understandable in the context of centuries of persecution culminating in the Holocaust. Nevertheless, we are Jews who will not be celebrating. Surely it is now time to acknowledge the narrative of the other, the price paid by another people for European anti-semitism and Hitler’s genocidal policies. As Edward Said emphasised, what the Holocaust is to the Jews, the Naqba is to the Palestinians.”

I then realized the entire paragraph is beautiful and overwhelmingly Jewish, except for the first silly sentence. Apparently they all became Atzmonites without even realizing. They say, “In May, JEWISH organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel.”

I wonder, don’t they know the Jewish Iron Rule? Never mix JEWS with Zionists! They stupidly admit that we are all Zionists, except 100 of them. Maybe even they cannot maintain the lie anymore. Foolishly, they say ‘JEWISH organisations’, but obviously they should have said ‘ZIONIST organisations’. The truth is, we are all Zionists! Not very clever of these schlemeils to admit it, though.

Nu shoin, what can we do, Anti-Zionists were not pushing enough in the queue when G_d gave us all saykhl (brains). Because they like to share everything, they were left with so little.

But, once you skip the first sentence, you are left with a wonderful glatt koisher text. They do exactly what every good Jew must do. In three lines they have managed to shove everything people should know about us: “persecution”, “Holocaust”, “the narrative of the other” (as if we love our Goyim neighbours) , “anti-semitism”, “Hitler” and “genocide”. Only a well trained Yeshiva boicher can put so much Jewish suffering in just two sentences.

However, just to mention a small anecdote…Our Jews against Simcah end their letter with a very non-Jewish optimistic utopian sentence:”We will celebrate when Arab and Jew live as equals in a peaceful Middle East.”

Take it from Auntie Ziona, you will never celebrate because we, the Jews , do not believe in equality. We believe that we are the Chosen. We believe that we have a role in this world. True, we do not always agree amongst ourselves what this role is. Our Rabbis say we must serve humanity with a moral example, our Marxists say we must bring socialism to the working class, our Wolfowitzes say we must bring Coca Cola to the Arab world.

Nu shoin, we all want to give something, because we are givers rather than takers. Take it from Aunti Ziona, once we stop being the chosen people, once we stop telling people who they are, what they should be and what they should think, once we stop giving people some good advice, we won’t be Jews anymore. We will be people like other people.

And you anti-party Jews, once you stop being chosen, the danger is that you may make friends with Goyim in general and Arabs in particular!

United against Racism

The list of 100 Anti Party Jews:

Seymour Alexander 
Ruth Appleton
Steve Arloff
Rica Bird 
Jo Bird
Cllr Jonathan Bloch
Ilse Boas
Prof. Haim Bresheeth 
Tanya Bronstein
Sheila Colman
Ruth Clark
Sylvia Cohen
Judith Cravitz
Mike Cushman
Angela Dale
Ivor Dembina
Dr. Linda Edmondson
Nancy Elan
Liz Elkind
Pia Feig
Colin Fine
Deborah Fink
Sylvia Finzi
Brian Fisher MBE 
Frank Fisher
Bella Freud
Catherine Fried
Uri Fruchtmann
Stephen Fry
David Garfinkel
Carolyn Gelenter
Claire Glasman 
Tony Greenstein
Heinz Grunewald
Michael Halpern
Abe Hayeem
Rosamine Hayeem
Anna Hellman
Amy Hordes
Joan Horrocks
Deborah Hyams
Selma James
Riva Joffe
Yael Oren Kahn
Michael Kalmanovitz
Paul Kaufman
Prof. Adah Kay
Yehudit Keshet
Prof. Eleonore Kofman
Rene Krayer
Stevie Krayer
Berry Kreel
Leah Levane
Les Levidow
Peter Levin
Louis Levy
Ros Levy
Prof. Yosefa Loshitzky
Catherine Lyons 
Deborah Maccoby
Daniel Machover
Prof. Emeritus Moshe Machover
Miriam Margolyes OBE
Mike Marqusee
Laura Miller
Simon Natas
Hilda Meers
Martine Miel
Laura Miller
Arthur Neslen 
Diana Neslen
Orna Neumann
Harold Pinter 
Roland Rance
Frances Rivkin
Sheila Robin
Dr. Brian Robinson
Neil Rogall
Prof. Steven Rose
Mike Rosen 
Prof. Jonathan Rosenhead
Leon Rosselson
Michael Sackin
Sabby Sagall
Ian Saville
Alexei Sayle
Anna Schuman
Sidney Schuman
Monika Schwartz
Amanda Sebestyen 
Sam Semoff
Linda Shampan
Sybil Shine
Prof. Frances Stewart
Inbar Tamari
Ruth Tenne
Martin Toch
Tirza Waisel
Stanley Walinets
Martin White
Ruth Williams
Naomi Wimborne-Idrissi
Devra Wiseman
Gerry Wolff
Sherry Yanowitz

Join Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration!

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