Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 19, 2008

Memorial Day for the Jews who Perished Financially in the Madoff Shoa


Oy, your Auntie’le always has the tip of her finger on the kosher pulse.

This Madoff has created a real Shoa, and I suggest making December 11 into the international memorial day for all the Jews who joined the bread lines in Madoff’s Holocaust.

Just a few of our brethren who have fallen by the wayside:

Victims: Fairfield Freenwich group/Walter Noel, the biggest loser so far. Loss: 7.3 Billion, half of its assets. Noel’s fees for steering the money to Madoff: $135 million in the past year alone.

Victim: Mort Zuckerman, the chairman of real estate firm Boston Properties and owner of the New York Daily News and U.S. News & World Report. Loss: $30 Million. “After he heard the news he took his daughter to see the Jonas Brothers”.

Victims: Avram and Carol Goldberg, the founders of the Stop & Shop supermarket chain. Loss: Unknown.

Victims: Arnold and Joan Sinkin, who lost 85% of their life savings. “How could you look at yourself in the mirror?” said Arnold. Loss: $1 million.

Victim: Richard Spring, who thought he was worth $11 million, and now discovers he has nothing. “I’m broke,” said Spring. I can’t feed my family.”

Oy gevalt, when our people don’t know any more where the next lunch at Blooms is coming from, tough decisions will have to be made.

Old Mrs. Mendelsohn is convinced that the victims will soon be selling the gold fillings in their teeth to German buyers, simply to put food on the table.

United against another Shoah

December 18, 2008

Elie Wiesel Homes in on the Holocaust Museum


Yom Tov and Gut Yuntiff!

Talking about our Elie’le, here is the latest electronic gadget from our high tech Eretz Yisrael: The Holocaust Memorial satellite navigation system.

We have reached our destination!

United Against Another Shoah

Yom Tov/ Gut Yuntiff –
Good Day, a Jewish holiday. On religious holidays, we greet each other with “Gut Yuntiff”, which is Yiddish for “Good Yom Tov” or “Good holiday.”

December 17, 2008

No Metziah for Elie Wiesel


Oy gevalt, our humanist Elie Wiesel, who managed to survive the Shoa, is one of the many victims of this mishuggah gonif, Madoff.

Elie’le was bargaining on a groisse metziah, but instead he landed up with bupkis.

I am soi concerned for at least two reasons:

1. The Goyim may start to wonder why, if Elie is such an ethical human being, he gave all his gelt to such a no-goodnik swindler.

2. I am soi afraid that having lost all his gelt, Elie’le will also lose his faith in Jewish innocence. He may even stand up and throw his shoes at Madoff when he starts to understand where anti-Semitism comes from!

Oi ever, I have just seen this clip on Mary’le’s website, Palestine Shtick Tank, made by a Jordanian academy award winner, Mustafa Abu Fellini.

Obviously, even these islamofasicts can see that our Elie’le is a real mensch.

United Against Anti-Semitism

Bupkis (bup-kiss) – literally, beans. Colloquially, nothing. “You’re gonna sue me?! You know what you’ll get!!?? Bupkis!”

Gelt – gold, money

Gonif (gon-niff) – thief, dishonest person, embezzler, unscrupulous businessman

Goyim – the non-Chosen, the gentiles

Groisse – big, large

Metziah (metz-see-yah) – bargain, often used sarcastically. “They were having a sale on shoes, marked down from $800 to a mere $600. They call that a metziah? When they’re $25 a pair, then I’ll buy them!”

Menscha decent human being, a good, honest person who always takes the high road. Being called a mensch is the ultimate compliment.

Mishuggah (mish-shug-uh) – crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.

No-goodnik – a worthless piece of humanity.

Oy gevalt – an expression of dismay

December 6, 2008

Alex Widmer obituary: the Masada lives on!


Auntie joins together with everybody important in the whole world to say Kaddish for Alex Widmer, the knocker at that Beautiful Swiss Chalet otherwise known as the Julius Baer private bank. Like the Masada before him, he went bravely to his end.

Nisht do gedachet, maybe Widmer was overreacting a bissel to the Wikileaks expose and the coming disclosure of the tax evasion plan at the Cayman Islands which is likely to drag a few more million down the debt hole, but what’s a few more million?

Remember, his bank was the one that took care of the assets of our six million brothers and sisters who died in the Shoah, and I bet they didn’t make a penny on it!

They aren’t any schlockmeisters, and he was young, oi so young was our Alex’le.

Masada
– a fortress in the desert where Jews happened to commit suicide collectively, like lemmings
kaddish – like a requiem, but with no music and and no lyrics
knocker – head honcho
nisht do gedachet! – G-d Forbid!!
bissel – a little
Shoah – our great moment in history
shlockmeisters – con artists

December 3, 2008

Pakistan, a change we can… arrange

Oy gevalt, the terror attack in Mumbai was all we talked about at Shabbat last week.

With a few bottles of Uncle Shlommi’s kosher wine from Chile pushing up the angst levels, old Mrs Mendelsohn became quite tearful about India being Israel’s biggest customer in the global arms trade, and the way India invited our Mossad to provide intelligence and training to the paramilitary mobs of Hindutva, and keep the country safe from the Achmeds and Mustafas.

And we raised our glasses to the hard work put in by our Bush’le to encourage an arms race between India and Pakistan, making them feel honoured to join the nuclear club and get their chance to wipe one another out, without involving our armies and our gelt.

Auntie Shelomi said she was convinced that the CIA was behind Mumbai, because of Obambi’s response right after the attack and his election campaign promises to bomb Pakistan out of existence, coupled with the arrival of US warships in Pakistani waters the moment the shooting began in Mumbai.

“And only the American shmoigers could have done something as stupid as ordering large amounts of LIQUOR and meat for the ‘Muslim’ terrorists holed up in Chabad House, if the plan was to create support for the coming war against Pakistan!”

“Nu, at least we can be sure that Socialists were not involved,” said Mony, who’s still feeling fercockt after his altercation with Mikey’le a few weeks ago.

“It sounds like a typical false’le flag operation to me,” said Rachel, who has a goy conspiracy theorist for a boyfriend. “Mossad, the CIA and the British MI ZEX working with a core group of meshuggenah ideologues within India’s military, intelligence and political elite who were planning a coup, and who want to see India emerge as a groys-power closely allied with our Jewmerice.”

“Feh!”, shouted Auntie Shelomi, “If the Mossad was involved and the plan was to frame the Muslims, wouldn’t they have had the brains to remind the killers to remove from their right wrists the red strings that signify devotion to Hinduism?

But why were the police told to ‘stand down’ and not fire back at the killers, and why was Hemant Karkare, the anti-terrorism chief of Mumbai police, the first target of the mysterious terrorists?

Auntie will tell you, but keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone… Kerkare had been uncovering the nexus between the Indian military and the sudden rise of well-armed and well-financed Hindu terrorism groups with their wide network of militant training camps across India. And he’d arrested a few very important people.

As usual, Uncle Shlommi was able to help us to make sense of the puzzle. He served in the elite forces when our Golda was PM, and can still remember how to tap out Hava Nagila in Morse Code from those days.

“Girls, there’s no need to plotz” he said, standing up and lifting the menorah high in the air. “Always remember that we work together with the intelligence agencies of our allies. To understand the Mumbai attack, you have to figure out who is going to benefit from it, and I promise you, it’s not going to be these schmendriks in Pakistan.

“Do you remember what our David Ben-Gurion had to say about that anti-semitic sewer of a country, if ever there was one?

“The world Zionist movement should not be neglectful of the dangers of Pakistan to it. And Pakistan now should be its first target, for this ideological State is a threat to our existence. And Pakistan, the whole of it, hates the Jews and loves the Arabs.

“This lover of the Arabs is more dangerous to us than the Arabs themselves. For that matter, it is most essential for the world Zionism that it should now take immediate steps against Pakistan.

“Whereas the inhabitants of the Indian peninsula are Hindus whose hearts have been full of hatred towards Muslims, therefore, India is the most important base for us to work from there against Pakistan.”

“Oy vey”, said old Mrs Mendelsohn, swaying a bit as she pulled up her sleeve to display the number tattooed on her wrist, something she does every Shabbos, “Can you imagine another Shoah, only this time with Pakis instead of Germans?!

“Got in himmel. The first thing they would smash on Kristallnacht would be the kosher wine.”

United against the goyim!

angst – cold sweat, anxiety
feh! – An expression of disgust or disapproval, representative of the sound of spitting.
fercockt – all fucked up
gelt – money
groys – big, large
Got in himmel – God in heaven
“Hava Nagila” is a hebrew folk song, the title meaning “Let us rejoice”.
meshuggenah – a crazy person, someone who is nuts.
plotz – Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation.
Shabbos or Shabbat – Sabbath. Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.
shmendrik – a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop.
shmoiger – A shmuck, but really stupid.

August 1, 2008

Jew-U-Wish Upon A Star?

Filed under: Anti-Semistism, anti-semite, anti-semites, Nazis, retribution, shoah, Zionists — auntieziona @ 4:26 pm

Oi! These Germans are meshugas! Look at this cartoon. It proves it. They are mad. First it shows a 1 little tiny little poor Jew pillaging the land. Then it shows little Yiddish fairies penetrating books, theatres, factories, banks, buildings of commerce. Are these Germans on drugs? Do they think all Jewish men are poofty fairies?

That reminds me I must chase up my retribution claim forms….

June 11, 2008

My Father was a Jew, my mother was a Jew, and I am a Jew

Filed under: Jews, Loo, Sayan 007.01, shoah, tRance, Tziga'le — auntieziona @ 5:58 am
Oi Tziga’le, meine Tziga’le is such a Meshigine. He loves his people so much that he just cannot stop making films about us.

The other day he was so upset when that noodlik, Sayan tRance 007.01, insisted on publicly giving all the credit for Tziga’le’s latest video clips to those devils, Atzmond, Finkelstein, Carter and Gibsoin.

Poor Tzigale was sitting at home crying on his bed for most of the day, picturing his long-awaited Oscar flying out the window. All the family was worried, the boy didn’t eat or drink for 24 hours, and kept threatening to go into the desert for forty days, where he would be “more appreciated”! When he did talk, it was about grim subjects, the Shoah, the Massada, his hurt at not being invited to little Avraham Levy’s Bar Mitzvah, and the rising price of cheese blintzes at Blooms.

But then I popped over with a dozen rogalches and a sufgania that was left in the freezer from Hannuka. One rogale and my creative genius cheered up, and showed me his new anti-racist cinematic pinnacle which embraces as its subject matter the crucial topic of cleanliness, something very close to Jewish hearts. He opened his arms wide while discussing his latest piece, in a manner which suggested the inclusion of all things both Hygienic and Jewish, such as the Bris, keeping a Kosher kitchen, and let’s not forget, the ethnic cleansing of what some like to call Palestine.

Believe me comrades, as Mony’le says, it really doesn’t matter who you are and what you are, a Jew, a loo, a Kazoo with a tattoo, as long as you ain’t an Arab or the BNP, vey zmir.

United Against Racism!

June 5, 2008

Gentile Grief

Filed under: anti-semite, Gentile, German, Jews, Muslims, Nazis, shoah — auntieziona @ 1:43 pm

A Poem by Auntie Simone
Dear Auntie Ziona,
What shall I do,
I came out a gentile,
And not as a Jew!

Dear lesser mortal,
Your problem is grave,
But I’ve a solution
Your conscience to save.

All talk of the Jews
Will be morally wrong
Unless it resembles
Solomon’s song.

Speak of the Shoah
With awe and respect,
And not one iota
Will you reject.

Never suggest
That Jews might conspire;
If you do that
You’re playing with fire.

Israel, it’s true,
Is terribly bad,
But it’s not with the Jews
You ought to get mad.

No, it’s the West’s
Imperial dream
Which caused this trouble,
This dastardly scheme.

Remember the Jews
Are peace-loving and wise.
It’s the anti-Semite
Who this truth denies.

The Muslims are suspect,
Between you and me.
They’ve crazy beliefs
And their women aren’t free.

Seek out old Nazis
Under the bed;
Take them to court
Even if they’re half dead.

You say you’re a German,
Oi ye! oi veh!
You’d better work hard,
What more can I say?

But really the best
Would be to discover
You’re also Jewish
By your great grandmother!

United Against Racism!

June 4, 2008

Is tRance trying to bring a Shoah upon all of us?

Or is he a chafarferet?

When tRance arrived at my front door this afternoon, he was visibly shaken. He was wearing that blue and white pullover Mrs Mendelsohn knitted for him when he turned 18, that serves as a sort of security blanket which he brings out of the closet when things are not going well, or when he runs out of medication. The sleeve of the right arm was crusty again with dried snarly and his eyes were red and tearful.

“tRance’le,” I said, “Mein Kinde, what’s going on with you this time?” He sniffled and made his way to my computer to show me this page from Wikipedia, where no less than 466 enemies of his are identified. “I can’t take it any more, Auntie Ziona,” he said. “I thought those video clips Tziga’le made of me, I mean the ones made by Azmond, Finkelstein, Gibsohn and Carter, would stop this hate campaign against me and make me a popular boychick. I was wrong. My list of enemies has expanded rather than contracted, and I don’t know what to do any more!”

I had a look at the page and could not believe my eyes! So many people trying to stop agent 007.01 from carrying out his important work for Zion at Wikipedia, could it be true? I had to sit down. “And look at the horrible names they are coming up with here, Auntie Z.”, he said, “such as Bash rrance, Bedwetter Rance, Diarrhea Rance, HangTrot, Imprison RRance, and Rancie Stink. They despise me.”

“But tRancie, mein Kinde,” I said, “who are these people? Are all of them anti-Zionists?”

“Most of them, Auntie,” he said. “But some just don’t like my face, some are anti-Socialist, some are anti-Bolshevik, some are anti-Ashkenazi, some are anti-grandfathers, some are anti-Londoners, some are anti-babysitters and some are anti-atheists. But some of them are real Socialists and true humanists, and they just read through me.”

“But tRancie,” I said, “are you mad? You are collecting enemies the way Auntie Shelomi collects Hannukah recipes. You are paid to be a Sayan, not to bring a new Shoa on our people, what is wrong with you? All these people who hate you so much will come for all of us eventually… and tRanci’le, have you ever asked yourself why they all despise you so much? Is it because you are such a wonderful man? We are talking here about hundreds of people. A researcher could use this material as a case study for anti-semitism!”

I managed to calm him down with some borscht and a promise that I would take him for lunch at Blooms on Saturday, but after he left, something occured to me. A crazy notion, to be sure, but knowing tRancie the way I do, it could be a distinct possibility.

Could tRance’le himself be the person behind 95% of those so-called “sockpuppets”, to make it seem that he is being attacked by anti-zionist, anti-semitic, holocaust-denying Goyim, thus currying more favour with the Israeli Embassy and hoping for a little bonus? If so, and I know I’ve said this before…..our tRancie is more clever than he looks.

He is not just an ordinary Sayan. He may in fact be a double Sayan, what we call in Hebrew a Chafarferet.

United Against Racism

May 1, 2008

Nu shoin, a new Shoah!

Hoi Givalt, 100 British Jews revealed yesterday, black on white in the Guardian letter section: “We’re not celebrating Israel’s anniversary”.

What are we going to do? This is a new Shoa embarking on our innocent people!

According to the Zionist-run Wikipedia, the number of Jews living in Britain is somewhere between 250.000 and 350.000. So I made a quick calculation, recruiting my entire stock of frozen maza balls, and found out that now we are left with only 249.900-349.900 who celebrate this most precious Jewish birthday. Only 349.900 are going to dance in the streets of Golders Green, instead of 350.000.

But then I asked myself, what do they mean by ‘not celibrating’?. I can understand that some Jews do not care that much about their brothers. They may not even know about the Israeli celebration. But ‘not celebrating’ must be a different kind of disengagement.

What is their plan? Are they going come to our birthday Simcha, but then sit in a dark room listening to Wagner or Azmond, while crying their head off as if it’s Yom Kippur? What do these Jews do for a celebratory day out? Take gefilthe fish to the Brabican & sit looking at Nakba photos demonising the Chosen people all afternoon?

You should all know Auntie Ziona by now, I am not looking for conflicts. I never try to put other Jews down, I always look for the bond that make us all into one people who do nothing but try to save the world. I always look for the bright side of (Jewish) life. So I went and read again the first paragraph of these Jewish Anti-Party anarchists:

“In May, Jewish organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel. This is understandable in the context of centuries of persecution culminating in the Holocaust. Nevertheless, we are Jews who will not be celebrating. Surely it is now time to acknowledge the narrative of the other, the price paid by another people for European anti-semitism and Hitler’s genocidal policies. As Edward Said emphasised, what the Holocaust is to the Jews, the Naqba is to the Palestinians.”

I then realized the entire paragraph is beautiful and overwhelmingly Jewish, except for the first silly sentence. Apparently they all became Atzmonites without even realizing. They say, “In May, JEWISH organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel.”

I wonder, don’t they know the Jewish Iron Rule? Never mix JEWS with Zionists! They stupidly admit that we are all Zionists, except 100 of them. Maybe even they cannot maintain the lie anymore. Foolishly, they say ‘JEWISH organisations’, but obviously they should have said ‘ZIONIST organisations’. The truth is, we are all Zionists! Not very clever of these schlemeils to admit it, though.

Nu shoin, what can we do, Anti-Zionists were not pushing enough in the queue when G_d gave us all saykhl (brains). Because they like to share everything, they were left with so little.

But, once you skip the first sentence, you are left with a wonderful glatt koisher text. They do exactly what every good Jew must do. In three lines they have managed to shove everything people should know about us: “persecution”, “Holocaust”, “the narrative of the other” (as if we love our Goyim neighbours) , “anti-semitism”, “Hitler” and “genocide”. Only a well trained Yeshiva boicher can put so much Jewish suffering in just two sentences.

However, just to mention a small anecdote…Our Jews against Simcah end their letter with a very non-Jewish optimistic utopian sentence:”We will celebrate when Arab and Jew live as equals in a peaceful Middle East.”

Take it from Auntie Ziona, you will never celebrate because we, the Jews , do not believe in equality. We believe that we are the Chosen. We believe that we have a role in this world. True, we do not always agree amongst ourselves what this role is. Our Rabbis say we must serve humanity with a moral example, our Marxists say we must bring socialism to the working class, our Wolfowitzes say we must bring Coca Cola to the Arab world.

Nu shoin, we all want to give something, because we are givers rather than takers. Take it from Aunti Ziona, once we stop being the chosen people, once we stop telling people who they are, what they should be and what they should think, once we stop giving people some good advice, we won’t be Jews anymore. We will be people like other people.

And you anti-party Jews, once you stop being chosen, the danger is that you may make friends with Goyim in general and Arabs in particular!

United against Racism

The list of 100 Anti Party Jews:

Seymour Alexander 
Ruth Appleton
Steve Arloff
Rica Bird 
Jo Bird
Cllr Jonathan Bloch
Ilse Boas
Prof. Haim Bresheeth 
Tanya Bronstein
Sheila Colman
Ruth Clark
Sylvia Cohen
Judith Cravitz
Mike Cushman
Angela Dale
Ivor Dembina
Dr. Linda Edmondson
Nancy Elan
Liz Elkind
Pia Feig
Colin Fine
Deborah Fink
Sylvia Finzi
Brian Fisher MBE 
Frank Fisher
Bella Freud
Catherine Fried
Uri Fruchtmann
Stephen Fry
David Garfinkel
Carolyn Gelenter
Claire Glasman 
Tony Greenstein
Heinz Grunewald
Michael Halpern
Abe Hayeem
Rosamine Hayeem
Anna Hellman
Amy Hordes
Joan Horrocks
Deborah Hyams
Selma James
Riva Joffe
Yael Oren Kahn
Michael Kalmanovitz
Paul Kaufman
Prof. Adah Kay
Yehudit Keshet
Prof. Eleonore Kofman
Rene Krayer
Stevie Krayer
Berry Kreel
Leah Levane
Les Levidow
Peter Levin
Louis Levy
Ros Levy
Prof. Yosefa Loshitzky
Catherine Lyons 
Deborah Maccoby
Daniel Machover
Prof. Emeritus Moshe Machover
Miriam Margolyes OBE
Mike Marqusee
Laura Miller
Simon Natas
Hilda Meers
Martine Miel
Laura Miller
Arthur Neslen 
Diana Neslen
Orna Neumann
Harold Pinter 
Roland Rance
Frances Rivkin
Sheila Robin
Dr. Brian Robinson
Neil Rogall
Prof. Steven Rose
Mike Rosen 
Prof. Jonathan Rosenhead
Leon Rosselson
Michael Sackin
Sabby Sagall
Ian Saville
Alexei Sayle
Anna Schuman
Sidney Schuman
Monika Schwartz
Amanda Sebestyen 
Sam Semoff
Linda Shampan
Sybil Shine
Prof. Frances Stewart
Inbar Tamari
Ruth Tenne
Martin Toch
Tirza Waisel
Stanley Walinets
Martin White
Ruth Williams
Naomi Wimborne-Idrissi
Devra Wiseman
Gerry Wolff
Sherry Yanowitz

Join Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration!

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