Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 7, 2008

Bidna Auntie!

Filed under: Arabic, Arabs, Barack Obama, Gordon Brown, Islamophobia, Judaism — auntieziona @ 3:00 am


As much as I really don’t like goyim in general and arabs in particular, it seems as if they love me very much.

Nu shoin, some of my admirers have even started sending me versions of my own writing lovingly translated into Arabic, like this one I received last week from a man who I suspect wants to convert to Judaism:

أنا العمة زيونا أنا الصوت اليديشي في الموقع العبثي التفليسي، أنا فخورة، أنا كوشير (ما يحل أكلة حسب الشريعة اليودية)، أنا بطلة، وأنا الضحية، أنا يهودية، أنا كافرة، وأنا عالمية، ولكني أحب شعبي بنفس النسبة أو أكثر التي أكره بها جميع الآخرين، أتكلم عالمياً، ولنني أفكر قبلياً. مرة في العام أعود (عاليا) إلى “إسرائيل”. ومرة في الآسبوع آكل سمك “غيفيلفث”. ويومياً أتناول حساء الدجاج. أنا سعيدة، أنا دائما سعيدة جداً…
العمة زيونا – أنظر لمحة كاملة عن حياتي

كي لا تستلم أي رسائل مني في المستقبل، ولا حتى هانوكه، ولا كعك يهودي، أو شعور بالخطيئة…. أرسل رسالة الكترونية بالرجوع تحت عنوان، “الرجاء لا ترسلوا شالوم(ات) ما تتدعون أنه سلام”

Oy vey, you can probably guess why even the Adibs and Muhammeds regard me as their very own Tante’le. Obviously they’ve heard about my gefilte recipe, but to tell you the truth, I cannot see how people who turn chickpeas into that revolting punishment they call hummus can even understand the subtlety of the knudel, the chicken soup and the gefilte.

Oy oy oy, what can I say about goyisher logic that hasn’t been said already?! These arabs, they want to throw us to the sea, but they want to eat our gefilte first. This is why I call them islamofascists and support Obambi’s and Brown’s plan to nuke them as soon as possible.

United against the goyim!

Bidna
We want (Arabic)

December 3, 2008

Pakistan, a change we can… arrange

Oy gevalt, the terror attack in Mumbai was all we talked about at Shabbat last week.

With a few bottles of Uncle Shlommi’s kosher wine from Chile pushing up the angst levels, old Mrs Mendelsohn became quite tearful about India being Israel’s biggest customer in the global arms trade, and the way India invited our Mossad to provide intelligence and training to the paramilitary mobs of Hindutva, and keep the country safe from the Achmeds and Mustafas.

And we raised our glasses to the hard work put in by our Bush’le to encourage an arms race between India and Pakistan, making them feel honoured to join the nuclear club and get their chance to wipe one another out, without involving our armies and our gelt.

Auntie Shelomi said she was convinced that the CIA was behind Mumbai, because of Obambi’s response right after the attack and his election campaign promises to bomb Pakistan out of existence, coupled with the arrival of US warships in Pakistani waters the moment the shooting began in Mumbai.

“And only the American shmoigers could have done something as stupid as ordering large amounts of LIQUOR and meat for the ‘Muslim’ terrorists holed up in Chabad House, if the plan was to create support for the coming war against Pakistan!”

“Nu, at least we can be sure that Socialists were not involved,” said Mony, who’s still feeling fercockt after his altercation with Mikey’le a few weeks ago.

“It sounds like a typical false’le flag operation to me,” said Rachel, who has a goy conspiracy theorist for a boyfriend. “Mossad, the CIA and the British MI ZEX working with a core group of meshuggenah ideologues within India’s military, intelligence and political elite who were planning a coup, and who want to see India emerge as a groys-power closely allied with our Jewmerice.”

“Feh!”, shouted Auntie Shelomi, “If the Mossad was involved and the plan was to frame the Muslims, wouldn’t they have had the brains to remind the killers to remove from their right wrists the red strings that signify devotion to Hinduism?

But why were the police told to ‘stand down’ and not fire back at the killers, and why was Hemant Karkare, the anti-terrorism chief of Mumbai police, the first target of the mysterious terrorists?

Auntie will tell you, but keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone… Kerkare had been uncovering the nexus between the Indian military and the sudden rise of well-armed and well-financed Hindu terrorism groups with their wide network of militant training camps across India. And he’d arrested a few very important people.

As usual, Uncle Shlommi was able to help us to make sense of the puzzle. He served in the elite forces when our Golda was PM, and can still remember how to tap out Hava Nagila in Morse Code from those days.

“Girls, there’s no need to plotz” he said, standing up and lifting the menorah high in the air. “Always remember that we work together with the intelligence agencies of our allies. To understand the Mumbai attack, you have to figure out who is going to benefit from it, and I promise you, it’s not going to be these schmendriks in Pakistan.

“Do you remember what our David Ben-Gurion had to say about that anti-semitic sewer of a country, if ever there was one?

“The world Zionist movement should not be neglectful of the dangers of Pakistan to it. And Pakistan now should be its first target, for this ideological State is a threat to our existence. And Pakistan, the whole of it, hates the Jews and loves the Arabs.

“This lover of the Arabs is more dangerous to us than the Arabs themselves. For that matter, it is most essential for the world Zionism that it should now take immediate steps against Pakistan.

“Whereas the inhabitants of the Indian peninsula are Hindus whose hearts have been full of hatred towards Muslims, therefore, India is the most important base for us to work from there against Pakistan.”

“Oy vey”, said old Mrs Mendelsohn, swaying a bit as she pulled up her sleeve to display the number tattooed on her wrist, something she does every Shabbos, “Can you imagine another Shoah, only this time with Pakis instead of Germans?!

“Got in himmel. The first thing they would smash on Kristallnacht would be the kosher wine.”

United against the goyim!

angst – cold sweat, anxiety
feh! – An expression of disgust or disapproval, representative of the sound of spitting.
fercockt – all fucked up
gelt – money
groys – big, large
Got in himmel – God in heaven
“Hava Nagila” is a hebrew folk song, the title meaning “Let us rejoice”.
meshuggenah – a crazy person, someone who is nuts.
plotz – Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation.
Shabbos or Shabbat – Sabbath. Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.
shmendrik – a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop.
shmoiger – A shmuck, but really stupid.

November 25, 2008

Is Saint Bibi the One we have been waiting for?

Oy vay, our Likudnik Bibi Netanyahu never misses a beat.

As America pulled off the most vunderlekh marketing campaign in history with the launch of Obambi’le in the role of Jesus Christ Superstar, and managed to rebrand itself as well as “wipe the slate clean”, our koisher politicians in Israel have been watching and learning.

“No shmate,” Bibi’le thought to himself, “if good public relations can make a presidential saint out of an ordinary shabbat goy with a dodgy background, maybe I can come out of the election looking like the Messiah! Wiping the slate clean would be so nice…”

Our Bibi, who recently called for the islamofascist president of Iran to be tried for genocide at The Hague, saying: “We must cry Gevalt before the entire world,” is most well known for stating in 2001 that the 9/11 Twin Tower attacks were “very good”:

Asked tonight what the attack meant for relations between the United States and Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, the former prime minister, replied, ”It’s very good.” Then he edited himself: ”Well, not very good, but it will generate immediate sympathy.”


Nu shoin, so after giving his website a massive face lift to make it look like a mirror of Obambi’s,

Copycat Bibi’le also decided to put two of our best mishpokhe in charge of his upcoming election campaign, and recruited Bill Knapp and Josh Isay, the hasbara strategists who stage-managed Obambi’s record-breaking campaign after first cutting their teeth on promoting Mikhael’le Bloomberg and Senator Joe’le Lieberman.

I’ve heard that Bill Knapp has advised Bibi to keep working on his tan for now, and is already unearthing startling evidence of Bibi’s paternal roots in Ethiopia, as well as his ties to the Jewish saints of Morocco.

And with Josh “DoubleClick” Isay at the helm, our Benyamin won’t even have to use his messianic intuition to access, without their permission, the personal details and private information of visitors to his site.

Good luck Bibi’le, and as my bobeshi used to say, Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord – If you’re going to eat pork, eat the best kind.

United Against Terrorism!

vunderlekh – wonderful
no shmate
no shit
shabbat goy – the gentile employed in a Jewish household on the Sabbath-day to perform services which are religiously forbidden to Jews on that day

gevalt – an expression of dismay
mishpokhe
– family, kin, can also mean “crime family”
hasbara – a word encompassing information as well as propaganda
bobeshi – granny

November 8, 2008

IDF in the White House!

Silly American shelmazels, they really thought that they could liberate themselves and get us out of their lives.

They thought that they could punish the Republicans for the Wolfowitzes and the Perles and the Adelmans and the Libbys.

They didn’t realise that within 24 hours with Obambi, they would have an IDF soldier running the White House.

This is so funny! Because of the political correctness, people are so afraid to confront our ultimate power. Consequently, we are having a non-stop party at the expense of humanity.

Obambi’s newly-appointed Moishe Gross, Rahn’le Emanual, is no doubt the real thing. He may even be the Messiah, yet I would expect him to ride a white donkey rather than a black president.

In an interview with Ma’ariv, his papa’le, Dr. Benjamin Emanuel, said he was convinced that his son’s appointment would be good for Israel. “Obviously he will influence the president to be pro-Israel… Why wouldn’t he be? What is he, an Arab? He’s not going to clean the floors of the White House.”

Nu Shoin, what you would expect of a proud father?

The American shelmazels do not understand that we are their terminal disease. They remove us from the spine, within twenty four hours they find us in the kidneys. Once they try to treat the kidneys, we settle in the brain, what they call the White House.

Oy oy oy, just one of the beautiful Israeli things our Rahm’le mentions in The Plan: Big Ideas for America, is the coming introduction of something very much like our own glorious IDF for all Americans from age 18 – 25, not only for the bagels, but also for all the kugels.

I tell you the truth, very soon the American people are going to miss Wolfowitz and Libby, because with our Emanuel in office, it is just a question of time before American war planes carry Star of David symbols.

And take it from Auntie Ziona, nothing is wrong with that! If you fight the Israeli war, why not use some Jewish symbols for decoration?

United Against The Americans!

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.