Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 3, 2008

Pakistan, a change we can… arrange

Oy gevalt, the terror attack in Mumbai was all we talked about at Shabbat last week.

With a few bottles of Uncle Shlommi’s kosher wine from Chile pushing up the angst levels, old Mrs Mendelsohn became quite tearful about India being Israel’s biggest customer in the global arms trade, and the way India invited our Mossad to provide intelligence and training to the paramilitary mobs of Hindutva, and keep the country safe from the Achmeds and Mustafas.

And we raised our glasses to the hard work put in by our Bush’le to encourage an arms race between India and Pakistan, making them feel honoured to join the nuclear club and get their chance to wipe one another out, without involving our armies and our gelt.

Auntie Shelomi said she was convinced that the CIA was behind Mumbai, because of Obambi’s response right after the attack and his election campaign promises to bomb Pakistan out of existence, coupled with the arrival of US warships in Pakistani waters the moment the shooting began in Mumbai.

“And only the American shmoigers could have done something as stupid as ordering large amounts of LIQUOR and meat for the ‘Muslim’ terrorists holed up in Chabad House, if the plan was to create support for the coming war against Pakistan!”

“Nu, at least we can be sure that Socialists were not involved,” said Mony, who’s still feeling fercockt after his altercation with Mikey’le a few weeks ago.

“It sounds like a typical false’le flag operation to me,” said Rachel, who has a goy conspiracy theorist for a boyfriend. “Mossad, the CIA and the British MI ZEX working with a core group of meshuggenah ideologues within India’s military, intelligence and political elite who were planning a coup, and who want to see India emerge as a groys-power closely allied with our Jewmerice.”

“Feh!”, shouted Auntie Shelomi, “If the Mossad was involved and the plan was to frame the Muslims, wouldn’t they have had the brains to remind the killers to remove from their right wrists the red strings that signify devotion to Hinduism?

But why were the police told to ‘stand down’ and not fire back at the killers, and why was Hemant Karkare, the anti-terrorism chief of Mumbai police, the first target of the mysterious terrorists?

Auntie will tell you, but keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone… Kerkare had been uncovering the nexus between the Indian military and the sudden rise of well-armed and well-financed Hindu terrorism groups with their wide network of militant training camps across India. And he’d arrested a few very important people.

As usual, Uncle Shlommi was able to help us to make sense of the puzzle. He served in the elite forces when our Golda was PM, and can still remember how to tap out Hava Nagila in Morse Code from those days.

“Girls, there’s no need to plotz” he said, standing up and lifting the menorah high in the air. “Always remember that we work together with the intelligence agencies of our allies. To understand the Mumbai attack, you have to figure out who is going to benefit from it, and I promise you, it’s not going to be these schmendriks in Pakistan.

“Do you remember what our David Ben-Gurion had to say about that anti-semitic sewer of a country, if ever there was one?

“The world Zionist movement should not be neglectful of the dangers of Pakistan to it. And Pakistan now should be its first target, for this ideological State is a threat to our existence. And Pakistan, the whole of it, hates the Jews and loves the Arabs.

“This lover of the Arabs is more dangerous to us than the Arabs themselves. For that matter, it is most essential for the world Zionism that it should now take immediate steps against Pakistan.

“Whereas the inhabitants of the Indian peninsula are Hindus whose hearts have been full of hatred towards Muslims, therefore, India is the most important base for us to work from there against Pakistan.”

“Oy vey”, said old Mrs Mendelsohn, swaying a bit as she pulled up her sleeve to display the number tattooed on her wrist, something she does every Shabbos, “Can you imagine another Shoah, only this time with Pakis instead of Germans?!

“Got in himmel. The first thing they would smash on Kristallnacht would be the kosher wine.”

United against the goyim!

angst – cold sweat, anxiety
feh! – An expression of disgust or disapproval, representative of the sound of spitting.
fercockt – all fucked up
gelt – money
groys – big, large
Got in himmel – God in heaven
“Hava Nagila” is a hebrew folk song, the title meaning “Let us rejoice”.
meshuggenah – a crazy person, someone who is nuts.
plotz – Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation.
Shabbos or Shabbat – Sabbath. Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.
shmendrik – a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop.
shmoiger – A shmuck, but really stupid.

December 1, 2008

An Anti-Semitic Joke


One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don ‘t you understand?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said,” See you tomorrow Sir”.

United Against Humour

May 15, 2008

A Salute to Those Who Keep Our World Safe

When Trancie arrived at my house today, I knew something was wrong. He had somehow lost his usual joie de vivre, his hair was unkempt, he smelled like last week’s gefilte fish, and it looked as though he had not had any sleep for a week.

Even worse, I could see from his red-rimmed eyes that he had been crying, his nose was still running, and he kept wiping it on the sleeve of his jumper, which was already criss-crossed and crusty with snail trails. I knew then that something must be going seriously wrong in his life.

Sit down, Trancie, I told him, and tell Auntie Z what’s the matter. (Though I was tempted to remind him to give his clothes a wash once in a while, I didn’t go there, as the poor man was upset enough already. But as my bubbe used to say, weeping makes the heart grow lighter.)

After quite a lot of cajoling, he came out with the truth. He told me that all the beautiful clips which my neighbour, Tziga’le Cinematsky, has been making for him, and which were uploaded at YouTube to show Trancie’s magnificent effort at Wikipedia to weed out and destroy the enemies of Israel, have been removed by the anti-semitic elements at YouTube. He is spending all night uploading new copies, and when he wakes up in the morning, they are gone again!

I told him, Trancie, you have to stop letting our adversaries stress you out, they cannot beat us in the long run! If it’s a war they want, we will launch a full-scale shoah against the censors, which will make our invasion of Lebanon look like a children’s birthday party.

I told him not to worry any more, despite the fact that the anti-semitic, anti-proletarian, anti-atheistic goyim at YouTube are taking down all of his publicity, our Tziga’le is going to create a marvellous new musical clip for him, one that is sure to get the feet tapping of even the most anti-semitic goy, with a tune that will take him to the Top of the Pops faster that you can say “Oy Vey!”.

Trancie started to cheer up a little bit when he heard about my plan to put the word out to our network of sayanim that more volunteers are needed for loading Trancie’s clips at YouTube, as well as to all the other free hosters provided on the internet. He started to smile again when I told him that in a matter of days, united against racism, we will upload hundreds of his clips to all the available sites, and the anti-semitic, anti-proletarian, anti-atheistic censors will never win this war!

As fast as they remove his material, we will continue putting it up, we will be like a beautiful blue and white AIDS virus, that multiplies each time one is removed!! The goyim will think of us as zioviruses against anti-semitism, and the holocaust-denying, neo-nazi censors will NEVER succeed in removing all references to our Trancie’le from the internet.

While Tzige’le is putting the finishing touches to Trancie’s new musical video clip (watch this space, where it will have its first showing), Tzige’le has given me permission to post his latest clip, a beautiful pictorial ode showing Trancie and many of Those Who Save the World saluting Gilad Shalit, the world’s most beloved soldier, and a human being as well as a Jew.

United against racism!

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