Auntie Ziona Against Auntie Simone

December 19, 2008

Memorial Day for the Jews who Perished Financially in the Madoff Shoa


Oy, your Auntie’le always has the tip of her finger on the kosher pulse.

This Madoff has created a real Shoa, and I suggest making December 11 into the international memorial day for all the Jews who joined the bread lines in Madoff’s Holocaust.

Just a few of our brethren who have fallen by the wayside:

Victims: Fairfield Freenwich group/Walter Noel, the biggest loser so far. Loss: 7.3 Billion, half of its assets. Noel’s fees for steering the money to Madoff: $135 million in the past year alone.

Victim: Mort Zuckerman, the chairman of real estate firm Boston Properties and owner of the New York Daily News and U.S. News & World Report. Loss: $30 Million. “After he heard the news he took his daughter to see the Jonas Brothers”.

Victims: Avram and Carol Goldberg, the founders of the Stop & Shop supermarket chain. Loss: Unknown.

Victims: Arnold and Joan Sinkin, who lost 85% of their life savings. “How could you look at yourself in the mirror?” said Arnold. Loss: $1 million.

Victim: Richard Spring, who thought he was worth $11 million, and now discovers he has nothing. “I’m broke,” said Spring. I can’t feed my family.”

Oy gevalt, when our people don’t know any more where the next lunch at Blooms is coming from, tough decisions will have to be made.

Old Mrs. Mendelsohn is convinced that the victims will soon be selling the gold fillings in their teeth to German buyers, simply to put food on the table.

United against another Shoah

December 18, 2008

Elie Wiesel Homes in on the Holocaust Museum


Yom Tov and Gut Yuntiff!

Talking about our Elie’le, here is the latest electronic gadget from our high tech Eretz Yisrael: The Holocaust Memorial satellite navigation system.

We have reached our destination!

United Against Another Shoah

Yom Tov/ Gut Yuntiff –
Good Day, a Jewish holiday. On religious holidays, we greet each other with “Gut Yuntiff”, which is Yiddish for “Good Yom Tov” or “Good holiday.”

December 17, 2008

No Metziah for Elie Wiesel


Oy gevalt, our humanist Elie Wiesel, who managed to survive the Shoa, is one of the many victims of this mishuggah gonif, Madoff.

Elie’le was bargaining on a groisse metziah, but instead he landed up with bupkis.

I am soi concerned for at least two reasons:

1. The Goyim may start to wonder why, if Elie is such an ethical human being, he gave all his gelt to such a no-goodnik swindler.

2. I am soi afraid that having lost all his gelt, Elie’le will also lose his faith in Jewish innocence. He may even stand up and throw his shoes at Madoff when he starts to understand where anti-Semitism comes from!

Oi ever, I have just seen this clip on Mary’le’s website, Palestine Shtick Tank, made by a Jordanian academy award winner, Mustafa Abu Fellini.

Obviously, even these islamofasicts can see that our Elie’le is a real mensch.

United Against Anti-Semitism

Bupkis (bup-kiss) – literally, beans. Colloquially, nothing. “You’re gonna sue me?! You know what you’ll get!!?? Bupkis!”

Gelt – gold, money

Gonif (gon-niff) – thief, dishonest person, embezzler, unscrupulous businessman

Goyim – the non-Chosen, the gentiles

Groisse – big, large

Metziah (metz-see-yah) – bargain, often used sarcastically. “They were having a sale on shoes, marked down from $800 to a mere $600. They call that a metziah? When they’re $25 a pair, then I’ll buy them!”

Menscha decent human being, a good, honest person who always takes the high road. Being called a mensch is the ultimate compliment.

Mishuggah (mish-shug-uh) – crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.

No-goodnik – a worthless piece of humanity.

Oy gevalt – an expression of dismay

December 6, 2008

Alex Widmer obituary: the Masada lives on!


Auntie joins together with everybody important in the whole world to say Kaddish for Alex Widmer, the knocker at that Beautiful Swiss Chalet otherwise known as the Julius Baer private bank. Like the Masada before him, he went bravely to his end.

Nisht do gedachet, maybe Widmer was overreacting a bissel to the Wikileaks expose and the coming disclosure of the tax evasion plan at the Cayman Islands which is likely to drag a few more million down the debt hole, but what’s a few more million?

Remember, his bank was the one that took care of the assets of our six million brothers and sisters who died in the Shoah, and I bet they didn’t make a penny on it!

They aren’t any schlockmeisters, and he was young, oi so young was our Alex’le.

Masada
– a fortress in the desert where Jews happened to commit suicide collectively, like lemmings
kaddish – like a requiem, but with no music and and no lyrics
knocker – head honcho
nisht do gedachet! – G-d Forbid!!
bissel – a little
Shoah – our great moment in history
shlockmeisters – con artists

November 24, 2008

Kosher Harakiri

Oi, I can’t wait! I have tickets for the new Holocaust musical in the Vest End! It is set in the Warsaw Ghetto, but the characters put on a play within a play about Masada, the fortress where 960 Jews did a kosher Harakiri just to put off the Romans. So I get two tragedies for the price of one! This is very helpful during a credit crunch.

Oi, and there is one song that goes:
“The weather’s a stinker
We’re bound for Treblinka
But in only a blink of an eye
We’ll be flying in the sky
You and me-e-e-e!
Our spirits soa-oaring
Forever free!”

I know I will come out with the CD, the T shirt and the Holocaust education pack they give you. But I am worried because the Times said one poor person in the audience went to see it and couldn’t stop vomiting for three hours. But it was probably the gefilthe fish he had that was too old. Plus if you go on public transport, the goyim carry so many germs! Certainly it can’t be the scene where they crucify a Christian slave on stage while singing kletzmar songs that made him sick!?

United Against Music

November 12, 2008

It’s Shoah Time, Kinderlekh!

Filed under: British schools, Holocaust, shoa — auntieziona @ 2:39 am


Nu shoin, today has not been a good day.

It was enough already to be reminded of Kristallnacht this morning, when old Mrs Mendelsohn deliberately smashed her crystal glass in Blooms, just to bring home which day it was to the goyim at the next table.

But then having to read about the British government’s Shoa enthusiasm in the Times this afternoon!

Oy gevalt, every secondary school is to get a Shoa specialist. Apparently one teacher from every school will be offered the subject of Holocaust Studies.

On the one hand, it is so important to teach the goyim kinderlekh about the Shoa, to make sure that they grow up to be qualified Islamophobes. So that once they join the British army, they can punish Iraqis, Afghans, Pakistanis, and with the help of G_d, even Iranians, for the crimes committed against us by the Nazis.

Oi ever, I really do not not like Shoa and scholarship getting mixed up together. For so many years, we managed to stop intellectual sheigetz from asking too many questions. But once we let them in, this may lead to a new Shoa.

We really can’t let the goyim start teaching our history. Oi ever, as long as they are learning about Bergen-Belzen rather than silly Waterloo and D-Day, they will keep fighting our wars.

It’s very important for the goyim to learn about Anti-Semitism, just to make sure that if ever they join the BNP, they’ll at least know why.

We must also make sure that if they read about our Mossad operative in the Blue and White House, and feel a tide of Anti-Semitism invading their souls, they will realise immediately that they aren’t all that original.

United Against Shoa Education!

May 3, 2008

A goal for every Jewish Victim

I couldn’t wait for the Sabbath to pass so I can log on and inform you all that we have now managed to bring the Holocaust to the heart of British football
Just hours after leading his Chelsea team to their first Champions League final with a black band strapped to his hand in the memory of the Holocaust, Avram Grant found perspective at Auschwitz, where he said “his pride at Israel’s emergence from the horrors of the Holocaust surpassed any football achievement.”

All I have left to say is Mazal Tov.

Im yirze Hashem, from now on Chelsea will score a goal for every Jewish victim who perished in the Holocaust. And all of London’s football hooligans will come to celebrate Israeli Independence Day with us in Golders Green.

But listen to me achim, and even Jewish Bolshevik comrades. We have to be very careful here. We must make sure that Liverpool is not bought by a Saudi tycoon who may appoint a Palestinian coach, who may even decide to train the Goyim to score goals in the name of every Palestinian refugee…because if the UN is telling the truth, there are 6 million of those around the world.

This is called in Yiddish “Hoy Vey in its making”.

May 1, 2008

Nu shoin, a new Shoah!

Hoi Givalt, 100 British Jews revealed yesterday, black on white in the Guardian letter section: “We’re not celebrating Israel’s anniversary”.

What are we going to do? This is a new Shoa embarking on our innocent people!

According to the Zionist-run Wikipedia, the number of Jews living in Britain is somewhere between 250.000 and 350.000. So I made a quick calculation, recruiting my entire stock of frozen maza balls, and found out that now we are left with only 249.900-349.900 who celebrate this most precious Jewish birthday. Only 349.900 are going to dance in the streets of Golders Green, instead of 350.000.

But then I asked myself, what do they mean by ‘not celibrating’?. I can understand that some Jews do not care that much about their brothers. They may not even know about the Israeli celebration. But ‘not celebrating’ must be a different kind of disengagement.

What is their plan? Are they going come to our birthday Simcha, but then sit in a dark room listening to Wagner or Azmond, while crying their head off as if it’s Yom Kippur? What do these Jews do for a celebratory day out? Take gefilthe fish to the Brabican & sit looking at Nakba photos demonising the Chosen people all afternoon?

You should all know Auntie Ziona by now, I am not looking for conflicts. I never try to put other Jews down, I always look for the bond that make us all into one people who do nothing but try to save the world. I always look for the bright side of (Jewish) life. So I went and read again the first paragraph of these Jewish Anti-Party anarchists:

“In May, Jewish organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel. This is understandable in the context of centuries of persecution culminating in the Holocaust. Nevertheless, we are Jews who will not be celebrating. Surely it is now time to acknowledge the narrative of the other, the price paid by another people for European anti-semitism and Hitler’s genocidal policies. As Edward Said emphasised, what the Holocaust is to the Jews, the Naqba is to the Palestinians.”

I then realized the entire paragraph is beautiful and overwhelmingly Jewish, except for the first silly sentence. Apparently they all became Atzmonites without even realizing. They say, “In May, JEWISH organisations will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel.”

I wonder, don’t they know the Jewish Iron Rule? Never mix JEWS with Zionists! They stupidly admit that we are all Zionists, except 100 of them. Maybe even they cannot maintain the lie anymore. Foolishly, they say ‘JEWISH organisations’, but obviously they should have said ‘ZIONIST organisations’. The truth is, we are all Zionists! Not very clever of these schlemeils to admit it, though.

Nu shoin, what can we do, Anti-Zionists were not pushing enough in the queue when G_d gave us all saykhl (brains). Because they like to share everything, they were left with so little.

But, once you skip the first sentence, you are left with a wonderful glatt koisher text. They do exactly what every good Jew must do. In three lines they have managed to shove everything people should know about us: “persecution”, “Holocaust”, “the narrative of the other” (as if we love our Goyim neighbours) , “anti-semitism”, “Hitler” and “genocide”. Only a well trained Yeshiva boicher can put so much Jewish suffering in just two sentences.

However, just to mention a small anecdote…Our Jews against Simcah end their letter with a very non-Jewish optimistic utopian sentence:”We will celebrate when Arab and Jew live as equals in a peaceful Middle East.”

Take it from Auntie Ziona, you will never celebrate because we, the Jews , do not believe in equality. We believe that we are the Chosen. We believe that we have a role in this world. True, we do not always agree amongst ourselves what this role is. Our Rabbis say we must serve humanity with a moral example, our Marxists say we must bring socialism to the working class, our Wolfowitzes say we must bring Coca Cola to the Arab world.

Nu shoin, we all want to give something, because we are givers rather than takers. Take it from Aunti Ziona, once we stop being the chosen people, once we stop telling people who they are, what they should be and what they should think, once we stop giving people some good advice, we won’t be Jews anymore. We will be people like other people.

And you anti-party Jews, once you stop being chosen, the danger is that you may make friends with Goyim in general and Arabs in particular!

United against Racism

The list of 100 Anti Party Jews:

Seymour Alexander 
Ruth Appleton
Steve Arloff
Rica Bird 
Jo Bird
Cllr Jonathan Bloch
Ilse Boas
Prof. Haim Bresheeth 
Tanya Bronstein
Sheila Colman
Ruth Clark
Sylvia Cohen
Judith Cravitz
Mike Cushman
Angela Dale
Ivor Dembina
Dr. Linda Edmondson
Nancy Elan
Liz Elkind
Pia Feig
Colin Fine
Deborah Fink
Sylvia Finzi
Brian Fisher MBE 
Frank Fisher
Bella Freud
Catherine Fried
Uri Fruchtmann
Stephen Fry
David Garfinkel
Carolyn Gelenter
Claire Glasman 
Tony Greenstein
Heinz Grunewald
Michael Halpern
Abe Hayeem
Rosamine Hayeem
Anna Hellman
Amy Hordes
Joan Horrocks
Deborah Hyams
Selma James
Riva Joffe
Yael Oren Kahn
Michael Kalmanovitz
Paul Kaufman
Prof. Adah Kay
Yehudit Keshet
Prof. Eleonore Kofman
Rene Krayer
Stevie Krayer
Berry Kreel
Leah Levane
Les Levidow
Peter Levin
Louis Levy
Ros Levy
Prof. Yosefa Loshitzky
Catherine Lyons 
Deborah Maccoby
Daniel Machover
Prof. Emeritus Moshe Machover
Miriam Margolyes OBE
Mike Marqusee
Laura Miller
Simon Natas
Hilda Meers
Martine Miel
Laura Miller
Arthur Neslen 
Diana Neslen
Orna Neumann
Harold Pinter 
Roland Rance
Frances Rivkin
Sheila Robin
Dr. Brian Robinson
Neil Rogall
Prof. Steven Rose
Mike Rosen 
Prof. Jonathan Rosenhead
Leon Rosselson
Michael Sackin
Sabby Sagall
Ian Saville
Alexei Sayle
Anna Schuman
Sidney Schuman
Monika Schwartz
Amanda Sebestyen 
Sam Semoff
Linda Shampan
Sybil Shine
Prof. Frances Stewart
Inbar Tamari
Ruth Tenne
Martin Toch
Tirza Waisel
Stanley Walinets
Martin White
Ruth Williams
Naomi Wimborne-Idrissi
Devra Wiseman
Gerry Wolff
Sherry Yanowitz

Join Israel’s 60th anniversary celebration!

April 21, 2008

I am Jewish!

Filed under: Holocaust, Jewish, Jews, Kosher, rabbi — auntieziona @ 3:16 pm

To calm ourselves down in these challenging times when the anti-Semites surround us from every angle, even within our very own IDF, we can always listen to the wise words from my favourite video clip:
I am Jewish….

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